A one eye baby and other horrible human mutations

Whenever I see a blind person being led around by a seeing eye dog or someone without legs wheeling themselves around on a skateboard, I feel an overwhelming amount of gratitude towards whatever or whomever the hell created me without any major physical disorder.  Can I still say “disorder?” Politically correct terms are evolving at such a fast pace that I’m probably still using words that became inappropriate back in August.  Anyhow, the point being that I’m grateful.  Well, it would always bother me when I’d be reading X-Men comics and certain mutants would consider their gifts a “curse,” wishing they could have been born normal.  Well the following are some existing human mutations they could have been born with, none of which would have attracted the attention of Professor X.  So if you happen to be a member of the X-Men and you’re reading this, stop your whining and be grateful.

Mermaid Syndrome

Approximately 1 out of every 100,000 babies are born with their legs fused together as a result of the congenital deformity known as Sirenomelia.  Of course we know what you’re probably thinking:  that’s enough babies to create your very own army of super-swimming mer-people.  And while we applaud your creativity, we are utterly disgusted with your incredible insensitivity in this matter.  You should be aware that there are very few survivors of the mutation.

Most infants with Sirenomelia don’t make it past day one.  If this fact depresses you, go rent The Little Mermaid.  You’ll be singing “Under the Sea” in no time.

Arnold Syndrome

This bone mutation would make hiding valuable items between your shoulders relatively easy:  “Nuclear bomb detonator, what nuclear bomb detonator?”  But a bird from high enough in the sky could poop on your head and cause brain damage.  The one with true value to the X-Men in this story would be Arnold himself, who’s ability to acquire wives and pass his mutation on to a thousand descendants could be useful.  He could seduce enemies like Mystique, producing shape-shifting offspring with missing clavicles and holes in their heads.  Kids will point and laugh at these freaky children, giving them low self-esteem and eating disorders.  The therapist bills alone will surely annoy the hell out of Mystique.  Mission accomplished.

Dwarfism/Gigantism

Even though we’re huge fans of Lord of the Rings and the NBA, and we’re fully aware of the incredible feats both tiny and giant people are capable of, we’re still going to include size-ism on the list of mutations the X-Men couldn’t capitalize on. The size of a human is largely determined by the amount of growth hormones secreted by the pituitary gland. A defect in the gland can trigger either too much hormone in the body or not enough. When you’re a giant, all your organs are working overtime to accommodate your huge body, and it becomes difficult to develop the strength and agility needed to do battle with the likes of Sabretooth, and you would also lack the teleportation skills, the ability to manipulate the atomic structure of your body, and the immortal qualities necessary to last more than a micro-millisecond in the same room as Apocalypse. Of course this is an extreme example. Most X-Men themselves don’t stand a chance against Apocalypse, but their mutations would in some way help them escape. Perhaps if you were tiny you could hide from your foes. But let’s face it, unless you have the magic of wizards, elves, and an army of men to protect you, you’re getting drop kicked into outer space.

Scrotal Elephantiasis

Known for their size, strength, tough hides and increased memory capabilities, you’d think anyone whose mutation begins with the prefix “elephant” would be a welcome member of the team. Unfortunately the disease (which is commonly mispronounced Elephantitis) blocks the lymphatic vessels, which in turn causes severe thickening of the skin in the legs and genitals. This would make running, jumping, roundhouse kicking and other superhero-related movements impossible. If secondary symptoms of the disease included super-memory and giant facial tusks, then maybe they could be used as bouncers who stand around menacingly, remembering stuff. But they don’t. In severe cases, the male scrotum can inflate to the size of a pumpkin, which would be a nightmare for whoever’s in charge of making X-Men uniforms.

Rubber Lip..ism?

Awesome at parties, but other than being able to carry extra hand grenades, fairly useless on the battlefield.

Tree Man

Dede Kosawa came close, but as the saying goes, we cannot bequeath a cigar unto him. Despite the fact that his nickname already possesses the superhero quality of having “man” at the end, and the fact that his mutation would distract enemies by causing them to throw up into nearby bushes, Tree man would be of little use to Professor X and the gang.  The warts which cover his arms and legs have sprouted into long brownish branches….brb….sorry, had to vomit into a recycling bin.  These branches do not give him super gripping abilities or throwing strength like the Ents from LOTR.  In fact the tree growths on his arms alone have added an extra 12 pounds to his 100-pound body….brb….making him very tired after short walks.

 

 

Cyclopia

Scott Summers should consider himself lucky that his eyeballs shoot lasers, because if he were a true cyclops, he’d be on display in a museum in a jar.  Cyclopia is an extremely rare congenital abnormality and is caused when the embryonic forebrain fails to subdivide properly.  As a result, the brain fails to divide the orbits of the eyes into two cavities, and fails to develop a proper nose.  The baby is then born with one eye, no nose, or a tube-shaped nose above the eye.  Most babies don’t survive (if this makes you sad, see Mermaid Syndrome for tips on how to cheer you up), making it very difficult to determine if their eye can shoot lasers. Source: http://www.mclol.com/funny-articles/human-mutations-the-x-men-have-no-use-for/