6 Signs Your Expectations Are Way Too High in Relationships

Sometimes dating is like stepping into a world of delusion. There are so many people out there with outsized expectations of what their "soul mate" should be. Of course, I'm not saying you should settle for just anything. I've seen too much of that too. But people are people -- they're not superheroes, cartoons, or characters from movies or fiction. Still, that doesn't stop some people for looking for perfection -- which, frankly, they will never find. Brandi Glanville seems to be hitting up against this nonsense, as she recently tweeted:





Here are six signs your expectations are too high.

1. You keep getting rejected. Unless you have a seriously antisocial personality or your pits reek, chances are that you should at least occasionally get pursued by a member of the opposite sex or have people willing to go on at least a first date with you. If it seems like you're getting turned down a lot, you're probably shooting outside your league. In plain English, if you're a 6, you're not going to get a 10. Stop trying. The problem is that most 6s think they're 10s.

2. Your list of dealbreakers is all superficial. Most people have dealbreakers and a list of qualities they want a partner to have. But if yours is more about "has to be over six feet tall," "has to have good abs," "has to have blue eyes," than "has to be a good person," "has to have never cheated," "has to care about people other than himself," you're focusing on the wrong things.

3. Short-term relationship history. If you're in your 30s or 40s and have never had a relationship last more than a couple of years, your expectations are definitely too high.

4. You expect a relationship to go the way it does in your mind. Imagine if someone you were dating had a bunch of preconceived ideas about what you should say, think, do, how you should dress, how you should walk, how you should handle your emotions, how much money you should make, how you should look when you wake up in the morning, etc. Chances are, you wouldn't live up to any of it. So don't do that to another person. Men are not mind-readers and it's up to you to say what you want and expect.

5. You have romantic ideals of a "soul mate." No one can make you happy, fulfill your life, or "complete" you. I don't care what Jerry Maguire says. A person can only contribute to your happiness so much. It's really not anyone else's responsibility to give you a reason to wake up in the morning. Would you want that responsibility for someone else?

6. You want someone who is the opposite sex version of you. It's okay to want compatibility -- someone who isn't allergic to cats if you have them; someone who likes the outdoors if that's your passion. But when you begin to expect someone to like the same food, music, movies, books you do, as well as have the same opinions, politics, ideas, thoughts, etc. Well, you apparently just want to date yourself. And that's what you'll end up doing.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kiri Blakeley
is a journalist, author, blogger, and all-around opinionista. Her book, Can't Think Straight: A Memoir of Mixed-Up Love, is available now.
More

6 Signs Your Expectations Are Way Too High in Relationships

Sometimes dating is like stepping into a world of delusion. There are so many people out there with outsized expectations of what their "soul mate" should be. Of course, I'm not saying you should settle for just anything. I've seen too much of that too. But people are people -- they're not superheroes, cartoons, or characters from movies or fiction. Still, that doesn't stop some people for looking for perfection -- which, frankly, they will never find. Brandi Glanville seems to be hitting up against this nonsense, as she recently tweeted:





Here are six signs your expectations are too high.

1. You keep getting rejected. Unless you have a seriously antisocial personality or your pits reek, chances are that you should at least occasionally get pursued by a member of the opposite sex or have people willing to go on at least a first date with you. If it seems like you're getting turned down a lot, you're probably shooting outside your league. In plain English, if you're a 6, you're not going to get a 10. Stop trying. The problem is that most 6s think they're 10s.

2. Your list of dealbreakers is all superficial. Most people have dealbreakers and a list of qualities they want a partner to have. But if yours is more about "has to be over six feet tall," "has to have good abs," "has to have blue eyes," than "has to be a good person," "has to have never cheated," "has to care about people other than himself," you're focusing on the wrong things.

3. Short-term relationship history. If you're in your 30s or 40s and have never had a relationship last more than a couple of years, your expectations are definitely too high.

4. You expect a relationship to go the way it does in your mind. Imagine if someone you were dating had a bunch of preconceived ideas about what you should say, think, do, how you should dress, how you should walk, how you should handle your emotions, how much money you should make, how you should look when you wake up in the morning, etc. Chances are, you wouldn't live up to any of it. So don't do that to another person. Men are not mind-readers and it's up to you to say what you want and expect.

5. You have romantic ideals of a "soul mate." No one can make you happy, fulfill your life, or "complete" you. I don't care what Jerry Maguire says. A person can only contribute to your happiness so much. It's really not anyone else's responsibility to give you a reason to wake up in the morning. Would you want that responsibility for someone else?

6. You want someone who is the opposite sex version of you. It's okay to want compatibility -- someone who isn't allergic to cats if you have them; someone who likes the outdoors if that's your passion. But when you begin to expect someone to like the same food, music, movies, books you do, as well as have the same opinions, politics, ideas, thoughts, etc. Well, you apparently just want to date yourself. And that's what you'll end up doing.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kiri Blakeley
is a journalist, author, blogger, and all-around opinionista. Her book, Can't Think Straight: A Memoir of Mixed-Up Love, is available now.
More

23 Things Every Woman Should Stop Doing

It is conventional wisdom that we’re our own worst enemies and despite the cliche, the idea rings true. We often drive ourselves insane striving for perfection in our experiences, relationships and selves, and honestly it just becomes exhausting. So here at HuffPost Women we’re issuing a challenge to ourselves -- and other women -- to stop doing these 23 things. (Of course it’s all easier said than done, but to employ another cliche, if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.)

1. Apologizing all the time. Research has shown that women actually do say “sorry” more often than men. We’re all for taking responsibility when you make a mistake -- but constantly apologizing for having your waiter split the check or asking a date to hang out on a different night or telling a friend about your problems, does more harm than good. There’s no need to qualify everything you do. Own your preferences and decisions.

2. Saying “yes” to everyone else. Yes, I will meet you for coffee even though I’m exhausted and just want to go home and crawl into bed. Yes, I will edit your resume even though I’m swamped with my own work. Yes, I will go on a double date with you, your almost-boyfriend and his awful friend who’s in town. Stop saying “yes” when you don’t truly mean it. People actually respect you more when you set boundaries.

3. Saying “no” to yourself. A lot of women spend a whole lot of time deciding what we can’t do or shouldn’t do or aren’t good enough to do. Don’t allow your insecurities and anxieties to make your decisions for you -- you’ll only end up missing out on worthwhile experiences. So go talk to that group of people you think you won’t fit in with, stay out late against your better judgment every once in awhile and treat yourself to that blowout even if you don’t really need it.

4. Viewing food as the enemy. Women often receive the message that our ultimate worth lies in our looks. Our hair should be smoothed or perfectly curled, our makeup on at all times -- but natural-looking -- and our bodies bangin’ (read: thin). In the quest to achieve these impossible standards, it’s easy to see food as something to contend with rather than to enjoy. Be cognizant of what you put in your body -- after all, it’s the only one you have -- but try to do away with the guilt. Savor every bite of that gnocchi with gorgonzola or that Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream or those fresh cherry tomatoes. Food should not come with regrets. As Nora Ephron wrote, “I have made a lot of mistakes falling in love, and regretted most of them, but never the potatoes that went with them.”

5. Body-snarking -- out loud or in your own head. Stop putting your looks down, period. Nothing good will ever come of it, unless you’re working through body issues with your therapist.

6. Feeling like an impostor when you accomplish something professionally. Women are more likely than men to feel like “impostors” at work, often doubting whether we deserve the successes we achieve. Start taking your accomplishments at face value. You got that new job or promotion or grade or public recognition because you were worthy of it.

7. Obsessively untagging every “unflattering” photo of you that ever existed online. While it makes sense that you don’t want that photo of you blinking showing up all over your Facebook profile, we probably cause ourselves more anxiety than necessary making sure every image that doesn’t show us in perfect lighting doing something totally amazing goes away. It’s not only just one more way for us to obsess about our looks -- after all, people will post what they’ll post and we have little control -- but online photo albums have largely replaced physical ones. You may not want to remember the unflattering face you made at your brother’s graduation party now, but down the line you might want to conjure the moment.

8. Comparing your real life to someone else’s virtual one. Spending a ton of time obsessing over your own online life can be anxiety-provoking -- but so can obsessing over other peoples’ virtual personas. Research has shown that Facebook addiction is correlated with lower self-esteem. And who wouldn’t feel bad sitting in bed on a Monday night scrolling through your ex’s vacation photo album or the enthusiastic statuses your friend in the fashion industry posted during a celeb-filled party? Instead of playing a constant game of comparison, which studies have shown can actually magnify feelings of depression, just close your laptop and enjoy the present. At least it’s real.

9. Holding on to regrets and guilt. “I’m pretty anti-regret,” Lena Dunham said at the 2012 New Yorker Festival. Guilt and regret are two emotions that usually serve to torture the person feeling them. Acknowledge your regrets and guilts, and then move on to the best of your ability.

10. Wearing heels every day. Look at this terrifying infographic and then tell me why it’s a good idea to force your poor feet into stilettos on a daily basis. We love a gorgeous pair of pumps, but embracing comfort (most of the time) will not only make your commute a whole lot more pleasant, but your feet a whole lot happier for years to come. Plus, flat shoes can be super stylish.

11. Judging other women’s sex lives. No woman deserves to be put down for who she sleeps with, how many people she sleeps with or how she chooses to express her sexuality. Next time you’re about to call another woman a “prude” or a “slut” just zip your lips. Even Miley Cyrus and her twerking shouldn’t be slut-shamed.

12. Judging your own sex life. No one needs to know your “number.” And honestly, you probably care a whole lot more about what the sex you’re having (or not having) supposedly says about you than anyone else does.

13. Trying to be “chill.” Maybe you truly are the “cool girl” who loves nothing more than kicking back with a six-pack and a movie. But for those of us who don’t possess the “chill” gene, let’s stop trying. Striving to be the mellow girl at all times keeps us from expressing our needs, desires and opinions.

14. Fearing the label “crazy.” There is no easier way to discredit a woman’s opinion or feelings than to accuse her of being overly emotional. “I don't think this idea that women are ‘crazy,’ is based in some sort of massive conspiracy,” wrote author Yashar Ali in a blog for The Huffington Post in 2011. “Rather, I believe it's connected to the slow and steady drumbeat of women being undermined and dismissed, on a daily basis.” Being scared of the label only encourages women to silence themselves. Plus, everyone has a little bit of crazy inside of them -- regardless of gender.

15. WebMD-ing everything. Your glands may have been swollen for a week but it does not automatically mean that you have a massive tumor in your neck. Step away from the Internet doctor and go see a real one if you’re truly worried.

16. Worrying that your life doesn’t look like Pinterest. You are not Martha Stewart. You will probably never make that DIY floating bookshelf. And your Eggocado will never look as delicious as this one does.

17. Fearing being alone. There are certain things you have control over -- like trying to go on dates, and actively meeting new people -- and others which you simply don’t. Finding a life partner (or even a temporary one) is one of those things. You can’t pinpoint when or where or how you’ll meet someone to spend your life with, so stop freaking yourself out over the idea that you never will. And there are far worse things than being alone. “The most profound relationship we'll ever have is the one with ourselves,” Shirley MacLaine once said. Preach.

18. Being in relationships for the sake of having a relationship. If you’re terrified of being alone, the worst thing you can do is jump into a relationship you don’t really want. Nothing good comes from tying yourself to a person who isn’t right for you simply because you feel the need to couple up. As Nora Ephron wrote when she launched HuffPost Divorce: “Marriages come and go, but divorce is forever.”

19. Not taking advantage of your vacation days. More Americans than ever are forgoing their (already meager) paid vacation days -- despite the fact that we know that people who take time off are more likely to be healthy, happy and productive workers. We swear, no one will die if you turn off your cell phone and head to the mountains for a long weekend.

20. Holding on to toxic friendships. Banish any Regina George-like frenemies from your life ASAP. Life is too short to waste time with people who make you feel like crap.

21. Spending time with people out of obligation. Just because you spent every waking moment of your elementary school days with someone doesn’t mean you have anything in common with her now. There’s no need to see every old friend and third cousin who passes through your city. Be intentional about who you spend your time with and allow yourself to let some relationships fade away naturally.

22. Being embarrassed about your interests. “I want to be a f**king feminist and wear a f**king Peter Pan collar. So f**king what?,” said Zooey Deschanel in Glamour magazine’s February 2013 issue. Take a cue from the actress and stop caring what you “should” look like/care about/talk about. If you love girly things, love girly things. If you don’t, don’t. Embrace your lack of knowledge about music, your hockey obsession and your weakness for both “Breaking Bad” and “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.” And if there’s a particular subject area you don’t know about but you encounter someone who does? Take the opportunity to ask questions.

23. Setting deadlines for major life events. Don’t try to meticulously plan out when you should find love or have babies or get that dream job or buy that amazing brownstone. Enjoy the uncertainty of life and allow yourself to be overjoyed when you hit those milestones or pleasantly surprised when you realize you want to skip out on some of them altogether.

Source:Huffington

23 Things Every Woman Should Stop Doing

It is conventional wisdom that we’re our own worst enemies and despite the cliche, the idea rings true. We often drive ourselves insane striving for perfection in our experiences, relationships and selves, and honestly it just becomes exhausting. So here at HuffPost Women we’re issuing a challenge to ourselves -- and other women -- to stop doing these 23 things. (Of course it’s all easier said than done, but to employ another cliche, if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.)

1. Apologizing all the time. Research has shown that women actually do say “sorry” more often than men. We’re all for taking responsibility when you make a mistake -- but constantly apologizing for having your waiter split the check or asking a date to hang out on a different night or telling a friend about your problems, does more harm than good. There’s no need to qualify everything you do. Own your preferences and decisions.

2. Saying “yes” to everyone else. Yes, I will meet you for coffee even though I’m exhausted and just want to go home and crawl into bed. Yes, I will edit your resume even though I’m swamped with my own work. Yes, I will go on a double date with you, your almost-boyfriend and his awful friend who’s in town. Stop saying “yes” when you don’t truly mean it. People actually respect you more when you set boundaries.

3. Saying “no” to yourself. A lot of women spend a whole lot of time deciding what we can’t do or shouldn’t do or aren’t good enough to do. Don’t allow your insecurities and anxieties to make your decisions for you -- you’ll only end up missing out on worthwhile experiences. So go talk to that group of people you think you won’t fit in with, stay out late against your better judgment every once in awhile and treat yourself to that blowout even if you don’t really need it.

4. Viewing food as the enemy. Women often receive the message that our ultimate worth lies in our looks. Our hair should be smoothed or perfectly curled, our makeup on at all times -- but natural-looking -- and our bodies bangin’ (read: thin). In the quest to achieve these impossible standards, it’s easy to see food as something to contend with rather than to enjoy. Be cognizant of what you put in your body -- after all, it’s the only one you have -- but try to do away with the guilt. Savor every bite of that gnocchi with gorgonzola or that Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream or those fresh cherry tomatoes. Food should not come with regrets. As Nora Ephron wrote, “I have made a lot of mistakes falling in love, and regretted most of them, but never the potatoes that went with them.”

5. Body-snarking -- out loud or in your own head. Stop putting your looks down, period. Nothing good will ever come of it, unless you’re working through body issues with your therapist.

6. Feeling like an impostor when you accomplish something professionally. Women are more likely than men to feel like “impostors” at work, often doubting whether we deserve the successes we achieve. Start taking your accomplishments at face value. You got that new job or promotion or grade or public recognition because you were worthy of it.

7. Obsessively untagging every “unflattering” photo of you that ever existed online. While it makes sense that you don’t want that photo of you blinking showing up all over your Facebook profile, we probably cause ourselves more anxiety than necessary making sure every image that doesn’t show us in perfect lighting doing something totally amazing goes away. It’s not only just one more way for us to obsess about our looks -- after all, people will post what they’ll post and we have little control -- but online photo albums have largely replaced physical ones. You may not want to remember the unflattering face you made at your brother’s graduation party now, but down the line you might want to conjure the moment.

8. Comparing your real life to someone else’s virtual one. Spending a ton of time obsessing over your own online life can be anxiety-provoking -- but so can obsessing over other peoples’ virtual personas. Research has shown that Facebook addiction is correlated with lower self-esteem. And who wouldn’t feel bad sitting in bed on a Monday night scrolling through your ex’s vacation photo album or the enthusiastic statuses your friend in the fashion industry posted during a celeb-filled party? Instead of playing a constant game of comparison, which studies have shown can actually magnify feelings of depression, just close your laptop and enjoy the present. At least it’s real.

9. Holding on to regrets and guilt. “I’m pretty anti-regret,” Lena Dunham said at the 2012 New Yorker Festival. Guilt and regret are two emotions that usually serve to torture the person feeling them. Acknowledge your regrets and guilts, and then move on to the best of your ability.

10. Wearing heels every day. Look at this terrifying infographic and then tell me why it’s a good idea to force your poor feet into stilettos on a daily basis. We love a gorgeous pair of pumps, but embracing comfort (most of the time) will not only make your commute a whole lot more pleasant, but your feet a whole lot happier for years to come. Plus, flat shoes can be super stylish.

11. Judging other women’s sex lives. No woman deserves to be put down for who she sleeps with, how many people she sleeps with or how she chooses to express her sexuality. Next time you’re about to call another woman a “prude” or a “slut” just zip your lips. Even Miley Cyrus and her twerking shouldn’t be slut-shamed.

12. Judging your own sex life. No one needs to know your “number.” And honestly, you probably care a whole lot more about what the sex you’re having (or not having) supposedly says about you than anyone else does.

13. Trying to be “chill.” Maybe you truly are the “cool girl” who loves nothing more than kicking back with a six-pack and a movie. But for those of us who don’t possess the “chill” gene, let’s stop trying. Striving to be the mellow girl at all times keeps us from expressing our needs, desires and opinions.

14. Fearing the label “crazy.” There is no easier way to discredit a woman’s opinion or feelings than to accuse her of being overly emotional. “I don't think this idea that women are ‘crazy,’ is based in some sort of massive conspiracy,” wrote author Yashar Ali in a blog for The Huffington Post in 2011. “Rather, I believe it's connected to the slow and steady drumbeat of women being undermined and dismissed, on a daily basis.” Being scared of the label only encourages women to silence themselves. Plus, everyone has a little bit of crazy inside of them -- regardless of gender.

15. WebMD-ing everything. Your glands may have been swollen for a week but it does not automatically mean that you have a massive tumor in your neck. Step away from the Internet doctor and go see a real one if you’re truly worried.

16. Worrying that your life doesn’t look like Pinterest. You are not Martha Stewart. You will probably never make that DIY floating bookshelf. And your Eggocado will never look as delicious as this one does.

17. Fearing being alone. There are certain things you have control over -- like trying to go on dates, and actively meeting new people -- and others which you simply don’t. Finding a life partner (or even a temporary one) is one of those things. You can’t pinpoint when or where or how you’ll meet someone to spend your life with, so stop freaking yourself out over the idea that you never will. And there are far worse things than being alone. “The most profound relationship we'll ever have is the one with ourselves,” Shirley MacLaine once said. Preach.

18. Being in relationships for the sake of having a relationship. If you’re terrified of being alone, the worst thing you can do is jump into a relationship you don’t really want. Nothing good comes from tying yourself to a person who isn’t right for you simply because you feel the need to couple up. As Nora Ephron wrote when she launched HuffPost Divorce: “Marriages come and go, but divorce is forever.”

19. Not taking advantage of your vacation days. More Americans than ever are forgoing their (already meager) paid vacation days -- despite the fact that we know that people who take time off are more likely to be healthy, happy and productive workers. We swear, no one will die if you turn off your cell phone and head to the mountains for a long weekend.

20. Holding on to toxic friendships. Banish any Regina George-like frenemies from your life ASAP. Life is too short to waste time with people who make you feel like crap.

21. Spending time with people out of obligation. Just because you spent every waking moment of your elementary school days with someone doesn’t mean you have anything in common with her now. There’s no need to see every old friend and third cousin who passes through your city. Be intentional about who you spend your time with and allow yourself to let some relationships fade away naturally.

22. Being embarrassed about your interests. “I want to be a f**king feminist and wear a f**king Peter Pan collar. So f**king what?,” said Zooey Deschanel in Glamour magazine’s February 2013 issue. Take a cue from the actress and stop caring what you “should” look like/care about/talk about. If you love girly things, love girly things. If you don’t, don’t. Embrace your lack of knowledge about music, your hockey obsession and your weakness for both “Breaking Bad” and “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.” And if there’s a particular subject area you don’t know about but you encounter someone who does? Take the opportunity to ask questions.

23. Setting deadlines for major life events. Don’t try to meticulously plan out when you should find love or have babies or get that dream job or buy that amazing brownstone. Enjoy the uncertainty of life and allow yourself to be overjoyed when you hit those milestones or pleasantly surprised when you realize you want to skip out on some of them altogether.

Source:Huffington

10 Surprising Things All Wives Should Know About Their Husbands

 Whether you recently said "I do" or just celebrated a double-digit anniversary, you can probably spout off a lot of info about your husband-his middle name, where he was born, his favorite food. But knowing these 10 other things can bring you closer than ever. Find out why, and try these relationship strategies to ensure your husband is anything but a mystery. Photo by Getty Images

1. When He Needs Space

Sharing office news, the kids' schedules and the latest neighborhood drama as soon as your husband walks in the door each night can backfire. "Most women want to immediately connect at the end of the day. For a lot of guys, they need their space more than ever then," says Les Parrott III, PhD, a psychology professor and co-author (with wife and marriage therapist Leslie Parrott, EdD) of The Good Fight: How Conflict Can Bring You Closer. Give your hubby a few minutes to unwind when he comes home. You're more likely to get his undivided attention if you wait.

2. When He's Really Listening
If it seems like your husband constantly tunes you out, consider this: Men may look at other areas of the room while still paying attention, according to Deborah Tannen, author of You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, who reviewed videotapes of same-sex best friends talking. Rather than focus on where your husband's gaze lands during conversations, note how he responds to you. If your words are truly falling on deaf ears, Rachel A. Sussman, a relationship specialist and author of The Breakup Bible, suggests gently telling him you feel he isn't listening; then, let him respond. "Don't accuse or blame him," she advises.

3. The Most Productive Way to Fight…
Arguments happen in any good marriage. But there's a wrong and right way to fight. Through a study conducted to predict how long couples would stay married, researchers discovered, not surprisingly, that yelling during fights often led to divorce-but so did approaching arguments differently from one's spouse (say, one spoke calmly and the other avoided the conversation). "Ask yourself, 'When would I want to have this conversation?'" suggests Sussman. "Then, think about what might work best for your husband." Assessing both your moods can help you pinpoint the best time for a constructive argument.

  4. …And When an Argument is Going Nowhere
For some disagreements, there's just no productive way to fight it out. To find out if you're gearing up for a purposeful fight, rate the importance of the topic. If it's a core value-like how to raise your children or which city to live in-rank it highly. If it's not-like the color of a new bedspread or what to have for dinner-it may not be worth an argument. Next, determine if you and your husband are ready for the discussion. If either of you are "tired, hungry or distracted, don't get into a conversation about something important," Dr. Leslie Parrott advises.

5. Which Topics Set Him Off
Maybe it's talking about his mom's flavorless cooking-or his late nights at work. Dr. Les Parrott says it's important to "know where the emotional landmines are. If you step on one, you can expect an explosion," he says. But you can't avoid all "hot topics." "Find the right space and time to talk about these issues," he suggests. Plus, try to understand your husband's side, and then approach him in a non-threatening way. You might say, "I'm not looking to upset you; I'm just looking for a solution to an issue that's causing me a lot of pain," Sussman offers.

6. How (and When) to Be His Support System
Couples who say they have strong spousal support and face daily stress have 50% higher rates of marriage satisfaction, according to a 2012 study. While wives equate affection and warmth with support, husbands feel supported when they're appreciated, needed and receiving offers to help with errands. Not sure if your hubby needs you? Ask him. "Mindreading is outlawed," says Jackie Black, PhD, a board-certified couples' coach and author of Meeting Your Match: Cracking the Code to Successful Relationships. Volunteer to tackle some tasks on his list so he can recharge. And tell him how much you appreciate him as a partner to give him a boost.

7. When He's Not Loving Your Love Life
If your man isn't showing signs he wants to have sex-perhaps he usually kisses your neck or gives you a telltale look-then it's time to rekindle the fire. Dr. Leslie Parrott says couples reconnect when they try out-of-the-box activities together. "Women experience intimacy through communication, so we often underplay sharing something novel," she says. Plan a date that'll get you both in the mood. Some ideas: Sign up for a race, head to the museum or take a cooking class to, ahem, turn up the heat.

8. How He Views His Role as Husband and Father
Whether it's just you two or you plus kids, you and your husband have equally important family roles. And it's vital that you recognize how he views his part and respect it. "Of course that's a two-way street, but it's even more important for men," says Dr. Les Parrott, who adds that respecting his role helps him feel close to you. Fight the urge to cast your husband into specific parts without his input. And keep in mind that you don't always have to be in sync with parenting. "Differences in temperament and style are key to parents' success and the enjoyment of parenting," Dr. Black says.

9. What His Dream Job (or Vacation or Car) Is
It's easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of day-to-day life, but happy couples discuss "each other's hopes and dreams to build and sustain intimacy," says Dr. Black. Make it a point to regularly talk to your husband about, well, him. Find out his career goals for the next few years-or just hear about his favorite book, TV show or food of the moment. Then, reciprocate by telling him more about you. Communication helps you grow with each other instead of apart.

10. That You Don't Know Everything About Him
No matter how much you communicate with your husband, you can never completely know him, and that's OK. "It's never good to believe you know anything about your partner for sure and therefore not ask," says Dr. Black. "It's vital that you and your husband continually get to know each other," adds Sussman. "If you're growing, you have to continue to catch up with each other." That means there's at least one enjoyable thing you can do each week: get to know-and fall in love with-your husband all over again.

Source   Shine

10 Surprising Things All Wives Should Know About Their Husbands

 Whether you recently said "I do" or just celebrated a double-digit anniversary, you can probably spout off a lot of info about your husband-his middle name, where he was born, his favorite food. But knowing these 10 other things can bring you closer than ever. Find out why, and try these relationship strategies to ensure your husband is anything but a mystery. Photo by Getty Images

1. When He Needs Space

Sharing office news, the kids' schedules and the latest neighborhood drama as soon as your husband walks in the door each night can backfire. "Most women want to immediately connect at the end of the day. For a lot of guys, they need their space more than ever then," says Les Parrott III, PhD, a psychology professor and co-author (with wife and marriage therapist Leslie Parrott, EdD) of The Good Fight: How Conflict Can Bring You Closer. Give your hubby a few minutes to unwind when he comes home. You're more likely to get his undivided attention if you wait.

2. When He's Really Listening
If it seems like your husband constantly tunes you out, consider this: Men may look at other areas of the room while still paying attention, according to Deborah Tannen, author of You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, who reviewed videotapes of same-sex best friends talking. Rather than focus on where your husband's gaze lands during conversations, note how he responds to you. If your words are truly falling on deaf ears, Rachel A. Sussman, a relationship specialist and author of The Breakup Bible, suggests gently telling him you feel he isn't listening; then, let him respond. "Don't accuse or blame him," she advises.

3. The Most Productive Way to Fight…
Arguments happen in any good marriage. But there's a wrong and right way to fight. Through a study conducted to predict how long couples would stay married, researchers discovered, not surprisingly, that yelling during fights often led to divorce-but so did approaching arguments differently from one's spouse (say, one spoke calmly and the other avoided the conversation). "Ask yourself, 'When would I want to have this conversation?'" suggests Sussman. "Then, think about what might work best for your husband." Assessing both your moods can help you pinpoint the best time for a constructive argument.

  4. …And When an Argument is Going Nowhere
For some disagreements, there's just no productive way to fight it out. To find out if you're gearing up for a purposeful fight, rate the importance of the topic. If it's a core value-like how to raise your children or which city to live in-rank it highly. If it's not-like the color of a new bedspread or what to have for dinner-it may not be worth an argument. Next, determine if you and your husband are ready for the discussion. If either of you are "tired, hungry or distracted, don't get into a conversation about something important," Dr. Leslie Parrott advises.

5. Which Topics Set Him Off
Maybe it's talking about his mom's flavorless cooking-or his late nights at work. Dr. Les Parrott says it's important to "know where the emotional landmines are. If you step on one, you can expect an explosion," he says. But you can't avoid all "hot topics." "Find the right space and time to talk about these issues," he suggests. Plus, try to understand your husband's side, and then approach him in a non-threatening way. You might say, "I'm not looking to upset you; I'm just looking for a solution to an issue that's causing me a lot of pain," Sussman offers.

6. How (and When) to Be His Support System
Couples who say they have strong spousal support and face daily stress have 50% higher rates of marriage satisfaction, according to a 2012 study. While wives equate affection and warmth with support, husbands feel supported when they're appreciated, needed and receiving offers to help with errands. Not sure if your hubby needs you? Ask him. "Mindreading is outlawed," says Jackie Black, PhD, a board-certified couples' coach and author of Meeting Your Match: Cracking the Code to Successful Relationships. Volunteer to tackle some tasks on his list so he can recharge. And tell him how much you appreciate him as a partner to give him a boost.

7. When He's Not Loving Your Love Life
If your man isn't showing signs he wants to have sex-perhaps he usually kisses your neck or gives you a telltale look-then it's time to rekindle the fire. Dr. Leslie Parrott says couples reconnect when they try out-of-the-box activities together. "Women experience intimacy through communication, so we often underplay sharing something novel," she says. Plan a date that'll get you both in the mood. Some ideas: Sign up for a race, head to the museum or take a cooking class to, ahem, turn up the heat.

8. How He Views His Role as Husband and Father
Whether it's just you two or you plus kids, you and your husband have equally important family roles. And it's vital that you recognize how he views his part and respect it. "Of course that's a two-way street, but it's even more important for men," says Dr. Les Parrott, who adds that respecting his role helps him feel close to you. Fight the urge to cast your husband into specific parts without his input. And keep in mind that you don't always have to be in sync with parenting. "Differences in temperament and style are key to parents' success and the enjoyment of parenting," Dr. Black says.

9. What His Dream Job (or Vacation or Car) Is
It's easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of day-to-day life, but happy couples discuss "each other's hopes and dreams to build and sustain intimacy," says Dr. Black. Make it a point to regularly talk to your husband about, well, him. Find out his career goals for the next few years-or just hear about his favorite book, TV show or food of the moment. Then, reciprocate by telling him more about you. Communication helps you grow with each other instead of apart.

10. That You Don't Know Everything About Him
No matter how much you communicate with your husband, you can never completely know him, and that's OK. "It's never good to believe you know anything about your partner for sure and therefore not ask," says Dr. Black. "It's vital that you and your husband continually get to know each other," adds Sussman. "If you're growing, you have to continue to catch up with each other." That means there's at least one enjoyable thing you can do each week: get to know-and fall in love with-your husband all over again.

Source   Shine

'Woman In Red' Actress Kelly LeBrock Opens Up About Painful Divorce From Steven Seagal

 

Former model Kelly LeBrock, who starred in the '80s hit movies "The Woman In Red" and "Weird Science," recently opened up about how her divorce from action star Steven Seagal left her reeling and caused her to retreat from Hollywood.

LeBrock spoke to The Daily Mail about her 1996 divorce and why it prompted her to move out of the spotlight and seek solace in Santa Barbara, Calif.

"I admit, I became a hermit," LeBrock said. "When I split with Steven, the divorce was very ugly, and details of the case were on the evening news. I didn't want my kids seeing it, so I simply got rid of the TV. I moved my kids out of LA so they could grow up with real people -- the kids of gas pump attendants, plumbers, and real family people."

And although she had once made her living off of her looks, LeBrock said the divorce left her without any self esteem.

"I feared everything and didn’t want to leave the house," she said. "I had absolutely no self-esteem. I hated myself."

LeBrock and Seagal married in 1987 and divorced nearly 10 years later. They have three children together.

LeBrock, who was previously married to the producer of "The Woman In Red," Victor Drai, from 1984 to 1986, briefly returned to the spotlight in 2006 when she appeared on the weight loss show "Celebrity Fit Club." LeBrock has been married to retired investment banker Fred Steck since 2007.

Click through the slideshow below to see what other celebrities have said about their post-divorce struggles.

Source http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/27/woman-in-red-actress_n_3825460.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular

Keep in touch! Check out HuffPost Divorce on Facebook and Twitter.

'Woman In Red' Actress Kelly LeBrock Opens Up About Painful Divorce From Steven Seagal

 

Former model Kelly LeBrock, who starred in the '80s hit movies "The Woman In Red" and "Weird Science," recently opened up about how her divorce from action star Steven Seagal left her reeling and caused her to retreat from Hollywood.

LeBrock spoke to The Daily Mail about her 1996 divorce and why it prompted her to move out of the spotlight and seek solace in Santa Barbara, Calif.

"I admit, I became a hermit," LeBrock said. "When I split with Steven, the divorce was very ugly, and details of the case were on the evening news. I didn't want my kids seeing it, so I simply got rid of the TV. I moved my kids out of LA so they could grow up with real people -- the kids of gas pump attendants, plumbers, and real family people."

And although she had once made her living off of her looks, LeBrock said the divorce left her without any self esteem.

"I feared everything and didn’t want to leave the house," she said. "I had absolutely no self-esteem. I hated myself."

LeBrock and Seagal married in 1987 and divorced nearly 10 years later. They have three children together.

LeBrock, who was previously married to the producer of "The Woman In Red," Victor Drai, from 1984 to 1986, briefly returned to the spotlight in 2006 when she appeared on the weight loss show "Celebrity Fit Club." LeBrock has been married to retired investment banker Fred Steck since 2007.

Click through the slideshow below to see what other celebrities have said about their post-divorce struggles.

Source http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/27/woman-in-red-actress_n_3825460.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular

Keep in touch! Check out HuffPost Divorce on Facebook and Twitter.

Why Your Daughter Wants to Be a Porn Star

My departure from the adult business was fairly public. Thanks to Dr. Drew and reality television, I participated in a wide array of televised interviews about my decision to quit porn. From Oprah to Extra! and The View to Tyra, some of our best-known talk show hosts wanted answers to complex questions: Why did I get into porn? What made me quit? I did my best to answer honestly and thoughtfully, not just for myself, but also for my compatriots still in the business, and for all of the young women out there who are a lot like I was when I first disrobed in front of a camera as a part-time job in college. These questions are more relevant than ever today, with the ongoing proliferation of porn in our culture and the potential consequences of participating in porn, both physically and possibly emotionally. A recent Daily Beast feature even addressed the lighter version of this issue. The article discussed how difficult it is to prevent your daughter from morphing into the newest, shiniest feminine archetype: a prince-seeking Disney princess.

Of course, there was no way I could have explained my motivation to enter or exit porn in a 15-minute television interview, and I can't get to the bottom of it in an article meant to be read over morning coffee. Aside from the fact that, as humans, motivation is an intricate web of rationalizations tangled up with semi-truths and brain functions that can fill out a whole textbook, there are also a whole slew of cultural pressures that impacted my decision and affect young women today in ways that's difficult to distill and analyze. But here's what I can tell you:

I have put four years, a Bachelor's degree in psychology, and the beginning of a Master's in Social Work between my present self and my past porn career. In this time, and given the fact that I know quite a few girls who have left the biz, I feel like I now understand some of the contributing motivational factors related to getting in and out of the industry. I believe these can easily be applied to the majority of women performing in the adult business. If you are a parent, you might want to take notes, because this has more to do with you than you may wish to admit. In fact, these are the reasons why your daughter wants to be a porn star. (Just in case you're wondering, I fit numbers 2, 3, 6, 8, 9 and 10. And I loved Disney movies).

1. Because you loved her enough, but you didn't love her right. You weren't attuned to your daughter's emotional state as a child, and now, she has difficulty connecting intimately with other human beings. It's not that you meant to handicap her. You may even have a bit of a problem with authentic intimacy too, and it's probably an intergenerational issue, so look to your mom and dad for answers as to how the cycle started in the first place.
2. Because you were her friend, and not her parent (Hello Baby Boomers!). You never set solid parental boundaries, and you failed to teach her about her right to have her personal boundaries respected. Your permissive parenting led to her low self-esteem and crappy social skills. There are four major parenting styles, and I hate to tell you, this one is not the best.
3. Because you got divorced, and it was ugly. I don't even need to discuss the damaging effects of a nasty divorce because these statistics are known. However, if you still think it's cool to get divorced and drag your kids through the mud because children are resilient, or won't notice how poorly you two treat one another, think again. A study by Paul Armato shows that children of divorce continue to score lower academically, and in the areas of "psychological adjustment, self-concept and social competence." Furthering this concern, a 2002 study in The Journal of Pediatric Psychology found that adolescents from mother-alone or mother-absent homes are more likely to become sexually active at a young age, risk taking behavior that is compounded by substance abuse and lack of social support. Yes, there are situations in which divorce is best for all, but the process by which divorce happens is delicate and negative consequences can have lasting effects.
4. Because you raped, beat, or neglected her. Or someone close to you did. Though plenty of women who were abused as children do not go into porn, many women who have been abused (physically, emotionally or sexually) do participate in sexual risk taking behaviors. Even though a recent study found no link between pornography and child abuse, ample research on prostitution and child abuse provide insight to correlates of selling sex. A 2012 study on juvenile entry into prostitution explores the far-reaching consequences of abuse incurred in childhood, and the suggested pathways associated with entering prostitution (i.e. the selling of sex). Of course, this statement shifts the focus from the real argument, and can turn this point into a new argument about whether prostitution is equivalent to participating in pornography. I would suggest looking up the legal definition of prostitution, which states very simply that prostitution is "the act of offering one's self for hire to engage in sexual relations."
5. Because you are a prude -- or a total slut -- and you didn't have a good handle on your own sexuality. Your lack of self-knowledge may have led you to inadequately educate your daughter about sex, either teaching an abstinence only or laissez-faire approach. Statistics on abstinence-only programs show this approach to be ineffective. And if you divorced, letting the men (or women) you subsequently dated run in and out of your life (and your daughter's life) taught her that significant others, and people in general, are exchangeable. Kids need the truth about sex, and reliable sources of adult support and attachment. This article addresses the issues in both point four and five.
6. Because you let her watch insane amounts of television. There is a cost to letting the media raise your children. Even an hour over the average 72 minutes most children watch per day can cause great damage.
7. Because you gave her a smartphone when she was 10, and now she takes awesome #selfies all day. With every picture she takes to post to her social media sites, she becomes less sensitive to the idea of her images floating around on the web. Studies show that higher social media use is correlated with narcissism. Sexting is a booming practice, and a gateway technology usage that might lead to appearances on Internet porn sites. You can be fairly certain that your daughter has either thought about sexting, or has friends who do it.
8. Because her friends want to be porn stars, Playboy models, the Bachelorette or any other exaggerated and hyper-sexualized version of a real woman, and you aren't close to her friends. When a child has excessive contact with her peers and loses touch with safe adult attachments, the likelihood increases that she will become an addict, as mentioned in addiction specialist Dr. Gabor Maté's recent book, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts. I think it's possible that the problems arising from being raised by her peers can also lead to other harmful and immediately gratifying behaviors, like participating in porn.
9. Because you never showed her a healthy way to fill the spiritual void that is quintessentially human. Isn't it interesting that girls leave porn because they've found religion? It happens every day, even to girls who were considered to be "the world's hottest porn star." Money, sexual exploration, and false adoration didn't provide personal fulfillment like spirituality did.
10. Because you did the best you could to raise her right... but it wasn't enough.

The truth about pornography is that the motivations that cause a young woman to enter or exit the business are as complex as is the brain that makes the decision. Whittling cause and effect down to a single reason -- number eight! No! Four! Wait, nine sounds good -- is tantamount to trying to explain why someone decided to become a neuroscientist. An 18-year-old girl's career choice to go into porn isn't entirely attributable to her parents just like an 18-year-old boy's career choice to become a neuroscientist isn't entirely attributable to his. Yet in both scenarios, the parents played a large role by creating the environment in which such career choices were viable, regardless of the Grand Canyon-sized gap between a neuroscientist's professional role and an upcoming young starlet's. So next time you see your daughter, remember you are a few choices away from creating an environment in which she believes a career in pornography is the best path for her. Or she could believe a different path is possible. In many ways, it really is up to you.

Follow Jennifer Ketcham on Twitter:
www.twitter.com/becomingjennie


Check for more of these good reads  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-ketcham/why-your-daughter-wants-t_b_3813727.html

Why Your Daughter Wants to Be a Porn Star

My departure from the adult business was fairly public. Thanks to Dr. Drew and reality television, I participated in a wide array of televised interviews about my decision to quit porn. From Oprah to Extra! and The View to Tyra, some of our best-known talk show hosts wanted answers to complex questions: Why did I get into porn? What made me quit? I did my best to answer honestly and thoughtfully, not just for myself, but also for my compatriots still in the business, and for all of the young women out there who are a lot like I was when I first disrobed in front of a camera as a part-time job in college. These questions are more relevant than ever today, with the ongoing proliferation of porn in our culture and the potential consequences of participating in porn, both physically and possibly emotionally. A recent Daily Beast feature even addressed the lighter version of this issue. The article discussed how difficult it is to prevent your daughter from morphing into the newest, shiniest feminine archetype: a prince-seeking Disney princess.

Of course, there was no way I could have explained my motivation to enter or exit porn in a 15-minute television interview, and I can't get to the bottom of it in an article meant to be read over morning coffee. Aside from the fact that, as humans, motivation is an intricate web of rationalizations tangled up with semi-truths and brain functions that can fill out a whole textbook, there are also a whole slew of cultural pressures that impacted my decision and affect young women today in ways that's difficult to distill and analyze. But here's what I can tell you:

I have put four years, a Bachelor's degree in psychology, and the beginning of a Master's in Social Work between my present self and my past porn career. In this time, and given the fact that I know quite a few girls who have left the biz, I feel like I now understand some of the contributing motivational factors related to getting in and out of the industry. I believe these can easily be applied to the majority of women performing in the adult business. If you are a parent, you might want to take notes, because this has more to do with you than you may wish to admit. In fact, these are the reasons why your daughter wants to be a porn star. (Just in case you're wondering, I fit numbers 2, 3, 6, 8, 9 and 10. And I loved Disney movies).

1. Because you loved her enough, but you didn't love her right. You weren't attuned to your daughter's emotional state as a child, and now, she has difficulty connecting intimately with other human beings. It's not that you meant to handicap her. You may even have a bit of a problem with authentic intimacy too, and it's probably an intergenerational issue, so look to your mom and dad for answers as to how the cycle started in the first place.
2. Because you were her friend, and not her parent (Hello Baby Boomers!). You never set solid parental boundaries, and you failed to teach her about her right to have her personal boundaries respected. Your permissive parenting led to her low self-esteem and crappy social skills. There are four major parenting styles, and I hate to tell you, this one is not the best.
3. Because you got divorced, and it was ugly. I don't even need to discuss the damaging effects of a nasty divorce because these statistics are known. However, if you still think it's cool to get divorced and drag your kids through the mud because children are resilient, or won't notice how poorly you two treat one another, think again. A study by Paul Armato shows that children of divorce continue to score lower academically, and in the areas of "psychological adjustment, self-concept and social competence." Furthering this concern, a 2002 study in The Journal of Pediatric Psychology found that adolescents from mother-alone or mother-absent homes are more likely to become sexually active at a young age, risk taking behavior that is compounded by substance abuse and lack of social support. Yes, there are situations in which divorce is best for all, but the process by which divorce happens is delicate and negative consequences can have lasting effects.
4. Because you raped, beat, or neglected her. Or someone close to you did. Though plenty of women who were abused as children do not go into porn, many women who have been abused (physically, emotionally or sexually) do participate in sexual risk taking behaviors. Even though a recent study found no link between pornography and child abuse, ample research on prostitution and child abuse provide insight to correlates of selling sex. A 2012 study on juvenile entry into prostitution explores the far-reaching consequences of abuse incurred in childhood, and the suggested pathways associated with entering prostitution (i.e. the selling of sex). Of course, this statement shifts the focus from the real argument, and can turn this point into a new argument about whether prostitution is equivalent to participating in pornography. I would suggest looking up the legal definition of prostitution, which states very simply that prostitution is "the act of offering one's self for hire to engage in sexual relations."
5. Because you are a prude -- or a total slut -- and you didn't have a good handle on your own sexuality. Your lack of self-knowledge may have led you to inadequately educate your daughter about sex, either teaching an abstinence only or laissez-faire approach. Statistics on abstinence-only programs show this approach to be ineffective. And if you divorced, letting the men (or women) you subsequently dated run in and out of your life (and your daughter's life) taught her that significant others, and people in general, are exchangeable. Kids need the truth about sex, and reliable sources of adult support and attachment. This article addresses the issues in both point four and five.
6. Because you let her watch insane amounts of television. There is a cost to letting the media raise your children. Even an hour over the average 72 minutes most children watch per day can cause great damage.
7. Because you gave her a smartphone when she was 10, and now she takes awesome #selfies all day. With every picture she takes to post to her social media sites, she becomes less sensitive to the idea of her images floating around on the web. Studies show that higher social media use is correlated with narcissism. Sexting is a booming practice, and a gateway technology usage that might lead to appearances on Internet porn sites. You can be fairly certain that your daughter has either thought about sexting, or has friends who do it.
8. Because her friends want to be porn stars, Playboy models, the Bachelorette or any other exaggerated and hyper-sexualized version of a real woman, and you aren't close to her friends. When a child has excessive contact with her peers and loses touch with safe adult attachments, the likelihood increases that she will become an addict, as mentioned in addiction specialist Dr. Gabor Maté's recent book, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts. I think it's possible that the problems arising from being raised by her peers can also lead to other harmful and immediately gratifying behaviors, like participating in porn.
9. Because you never showed her a healthy way to fill the spiritual void that is quintessentially human. Isn't it interesting that girls leave porn because they've found religion? It happens every day, even to girls who were considered to be "the world's hottest porn star." Money, sexual exploration, and false adoration didn't provide personal fulfillment like spirituality did.
10. Because you did the best you could to raise her right... but it wasn't enough.

The truth about pornography is that the motivations that cause a young woman to enter or exit the business are as complex as is the brain that makes the decision. Whittling cause and effect down to a single reason -- number eight! No! Four! Wait, nine sounds good -- is tantamount to trying to explain why someone decided to become a neuroscientist. An 18-year-old girl's career choice to go into porn isn't entirely attributable to her parents just like an 18-year-old boy's career choice to become a neuroscientist isn't entirely attributable to his. Yet in both scenarios, the parents played a large role by creating the environment in which such career choices were viable, regardless of the Grand Canyon-sized gap between a neuroscientist's professional role and an upcoming young starlet's. So next time you see your daughter, remember you are a few choices away from creating an environment in which she believes a career in pornography is the best path for her. Or she could believe a different path is possible. In many ways, it really is up to you.

Follow Jennifer Ketcham on Twitter:
www.twitter.com/becomingjennie


Check for more of these good reads  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-ketcham/why-your-daughter-wants-t_b_3813727.html

Hillary Clinton to Confirm Bisexuality in Upcoming Book

Hillary Clinton, according to the media, will soon publish her memoirs, and in them salacious details of her life, reports Daily Mail. Namely, former first lady admits that she is bisexual, that she fears she might die of brain cancer and that she disagrees with Barack Obama about the killing of Osama Bin Laden.

According to a source close to her publisher, Hillary decided to make this move as a prevention, because she plans to candidate herself in the presidential elections in 2016. She has allegedly already received $14 million for this book to be published.

According to the same source, Clinton has decided to admit that she is bisexual in order to garner LGBT voters.

“Hillary Clinton will recognize not only that she is bisexual but also that she had lesbian relationships,” the source said.

Read more at http://english.cri.cn/6966/2013/05/17/53s765363.htm

Hillary Clinton to Confirm Bisexuality in Upcoming Book

Hillary Clinton, according to the media, will soon publish her memoirs, and in them salacious details of her life, reports Daily Mail. Namely, former first lady admits that she is bisexual, that she fears she might die of brain cancer and that she disagrees with Barack Obama about the killing of Osama Bin Laden.

According to a source close to her publisher, Hillary decided to make this move as a prevention, because she plans to candidate herself in the presidential elections in 2016. She has allegedly already received $14 million for this book to be published.

According to the same source, Clinton has decided to admit that she is bisexual in order to garner LGBT voters.

“Hillary Clinton will recognize not only that she is bisexual but also that she had lesbian relationships,” the source said.

Read more at http://english.cri.cn/6966/2013/05/17/53s765363.htm

Marriage Mistakes That Lead To Divorce

By Anita Yok Sim Ho for YourTango.com
In marriage it's common sense advice to treat one another with respect and share love. But some are not so sure what that looks like on a day to day basis. That's where things get a little trickier. Check out this list of marriage "don'ts" to make sure you're on the right track to a lasting, loving relationship.
For A Healthy Marriage, Don't...

1. Close the door to communication
How can you expect anything to be resolved without clear communication? Take the time to deeply listen to your significant other before responding. We often want to dive into an argument quickly and come from a place of reactivity and fear. Be very mindful of your intention before you speak. Ask yourself, is this for the interest to promote sharing and harmony or is this a need to be right or to control. Look underneath the words to the heart of the matter: often the visible disagreement is only the end result of a much deeper issue. Doing this will set the stage for a much quicker and cleaner resolution.

2. Assume it's your partner's job to make you happy
Putting the heavy responsibility on another human being to make you happy all the time is unrealistic and unfair. Tune into yourself and really know yourself. Love yourself. Meditate, journal, eat well and set out with the intention of discovering yourself. When you know and love yourself from the inside out, you are much better able to deal with life's curveballs with ease and grace — and much less frustration and anger.

3. Withhold intimacy
It's guaranteed that every couple will experience disagreements and hurt feelings. During these bumps in the road, it is essential to keep the usual intimacy going. For some, a single heartfelt touch is worth a thousand words and its weight in gold. To express love in this manner really demonstrates to the other that unconditional love exists. That's important to a relationship: you should support and care for one another even through arguments.

4. Hinder your partner's growth
All life moves in cycles, and as human beings we are no different. As in nature, if you are not growing, you are dying. We constantly have new experiences and this brings the possibility of changes. When your partner changes and grows, it can feel threatening. But trust that they are moving forward in a way that is healthy and important. You would want them to support you in the same way. Are you in a partnership or are you a jailkeeper?

Credit Source Here

Marriage Mistakes That Lead To Divorce

By Anita Yok Sim Ho for YourTango.com
In marriage it's common sense advice to treat one another with respect and share love. But some are not so sure what that looks like on a day to day basis. That's where things get a little trickier. Check out this list of marriage "don'ts" to make sure you're on the right track to a lasting, loving relationship.
For A Healthy Marriage, Don't...

1. Close the door to communication
How can you expect anything to be resolved without clear communication? Take the time to deeply listen to your significant other before responding. We often want to dive into an argument quickly and come from a place of reactivity and fear. Be very mindful of your intention before you speak. Ask yourself, is this for the interest to promote sharing and harmony or is this a need to be right or to control. Look underneath the words to the heart of the matter: often the visible disagreement is only the end result of a much deeper issue. Doing this will set the stage for a much quicker and cleaner resolution.

2. Assume it's your partner's job to make you happy
Putting the heavy responsibility on another human being to make you happy all the time is unrealistic and unfair. Tune into yourself and really know yourself. Love yourself. Meditate, journal, eat well and set out with the intention of discovering yourself. When you know and love yourself from the inside out, you are much better able to deal with life's curveballs with ease and grace — and much less frustration and anger.

3. Withhold intimacy
It's guaranteed that every couple will experience disagreements and hurt feelings. During these bumps in the road, it is essential to keep the usual intimacy going. For some, a single heartfelt touch is worth a thousand words and its weight in gold. To express love in this manner really demonstrates to the other that unconditional love exists. That's important to a relationship: you should support and care for one another even through arguments.

4. Hinder your partner's growth
All life moves in cycles, and as human beings we are no different. As in nature, if you are not growing, you are dying. We constantly have new experiences and this brings the possibility of changes. When your partner changes and grows, it can feel threatening. But trust that they are moving forward in a way that is healthy and important. You would want them to support you in the same way. Are you in a partnership or are you a jailkeeper?

Credit Source Here

7 Signs You're Dating the Right Person

Opposites attract, so you should date someone who's nothing like you. But wait a minute, isn't it important to date someone with a similar background, values and goals? There is so much conflicting advice out there, how can you possibly figure out who to date? It's true that the qualities in a person that differ from yours can add balance and excitement to a relationship. Problems arise when there are too many opposing character traits. Research has shown that the more compatible you are with your mate, the more successful your relationship will be.

Following are seven areas of compatibility to look for when choosing a partner. Of course they don't all have to line up perfectly, but the more aligned you two are, the better the relationship.

7 Signs You're Dating the Right Person

1. Temperament: Do you get along well most of the time or find that he/she irritates you on a regular basis? Do you find yourself saying, "If only she'd think before she spoke," or "I wish he'd be less lazy,"? Is he overly anxious? Does her alphabetized music collection make your skin crawl? What you see is what you get, so if you don't like a lot of what you see, don't try to fix the other person's personality. Find someone whose temperament is more compatible with yours.

2. Communication Style: Are you direct or indirect in conveying what's important to you? Are you passive while she's assertive? Do you hold things in until you explode or speak your mind clearly and directly? In a good relationship, you communicate your needs to each other on a regular basis. If you can both communicate well and in a similar fashion, you'll have a much higher chance at a successful relationship.

3. Friends and Family: Do you like and get along with each other's friends and family? Do you agree about how much time to devote to both? If this is a stressful topic, one that you can't easily resolve, it will potentially have a very negative affect on your relationship.

4. Nutrition and Fitness: Are you a gluten-free vegan while he is a Big Mac addict? Do you surf the waves on the weekend, while she's home surfing the web? This may seem like a minor point, but think about how many meals you will share with each other. How do your mate's food choices and attention to fitness align with your lifestyle and values? If you're not a good match in this arena, you will probably have challenges in your relationship.

5. Financial: Many people say that they are seeking a mate who is financially secure. In today's volatile financial market, financial security is not something you can count on. A more appropriate question is, are you and your partner united in being responsible with finances. Are you both generous? Do you both contribute to charities? Money is something that couples fight about most often. It is helpful if you share similar financial goals and habits.

6. Education: Couples who share similar backgrounds in education, life and professional experience are better suited for each other. They have more in common and can relate to each other in a deeper way. They are on the same wavelength and truly 'get' each other.

7. Intimacy: There are many things that come under the category of intimacy, including romance and public display of affection. Some couples have different sexual needs, which can lead to anger and resentment. A very essential component of a lasting loving relationship includes having similar ideas about frequency and style of intimacy. So if you're more 50 Shades and she's "Ms. Low Libido", you will have some issues in the bedroom.

What can you do if you are not compatible?

1. Accept things as they are
2. Work on yourself and the relationship
3. Leave the relationship.

Remember that the only person you can change is yourself. Your partner will only change if they want to.

If you are dating to find a lasting, loving relationship, it is much better to choose a compatible partner now than to try and fix something that is broken later. Don't be afraid to let go of the wrong person if your basic needs are not met. There are millions of singles in the world. Move on and find a better fit. And make sure to use the most powerful four-letter word in dating: "Next"!

Follow Sandy Weiner on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@lastfirstdate1

7 Signs You're Dating the Right Person

Opposites attract, so you should date someone who's nothing like you. But wait a minute, isn't it important to date someone with a similar background, values and goals? There is so much conflicting advice out there, how can you possibly figure out who to date? It's true that the qualities in a person that differ from yours can add balance and excitement to a relationship. Problems arise when there are too many opposing character traits. Research has shown that the more compatible you are with your mate, the more successful your relationship will be.

Following are seven areas of compatibility to look for when choosing a partner. Of course they don't all have to line up perfectly, but the more aligned you two are, the better the relationship.

7 Signs You're Dating the Right Person

1. Temperament: Do you get along well most of the time or find that he/she irritates you on a regular basis? Do you find yourself saying, "If only she'd think before she spoke," or "I wish he'd be less lazy,"? Is he overly anxious? Does her alphabetized music collection make your skin crawl? What you see is what you get, so if you don't like a lot of what you see, don't try to fix the other person's personality. Find someone whose temperament is more compatible with yours.

2. Communication Style: Are you direct or indirect in conveying what's important to you? Are you passive while she's assertive? Do you hold things in until you explode or speak your mind clearly and directly? In a good relationship, you communicate your needs to each other on a regular basis. If you can both communicate well and in a similar fashion, you'll have a much higher chance at a successful relationship.

3. Friends and Family: Do you like and get along with each other's friends and family? Do you agree about how much time to devote to both? If this is a stressful topic, one that you can't easily resolve, it will potentially have a very negative affect on your relationship.

4. Nutrition and Fitness: Are you a gluten-free vegan while he is a Big Mac addict? Do you surf the waves on the weekend, while she's home surfing the web? This may seem like a minor point, but think about how many meals you will share with each other. How do your mate's food choices and attention to fitness align with your lifestyle and values? If you're not a good match in this arena, you will probably have challenges in your relationship.

5. Financial: Many people say that they are seeking a mate who is financially secure. In today's volatile financial market, financial security is not something you can count on. A more appropriate question is, are you and your partner united in being responsible with finances. Are you both generous? Do you both contribute to charities? Money is something that couples fight about most often. It is helpful if you share similar financial goals and habits.

6. Education: Couples who share similar backgrounds in education, life and professional experience are better suited for each other. They have more in common and can relate to each other in a deeper way. They are on the same wavelength and truly 'get' each other.

7. Intimacy: There are many things that come under the category of intimacy, including romance and public display of affection. Some couples have different sexual needs, which can lead to anger and resentment. A very essential component of a lasting loving relationship includes having similar ideas about frequency and style of intimacy. So if you're more 50 Shades and she's "Ms. Low Libido", you will have some issues in the bedroom.

What can you do if you are not compatible?

1. Accept things as they are
2. Work on yourself and the relationship
3. Leave the relationship.

Remember that the only person you can change is yourself. Your partner will only change if they want to.

If you are dating to find a lasting, loving relationship, it is much better to choose a compatible partner now than to try and fix something that is broken later. Don't be afraid to let go of the wrong person if your basic needs are not met. There are millions of singles in the world. Move on and find a better fit. And make sure to use the most powerful four-letter word in dating: "Next"!

Follow Sandy Weiner on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@lastfirstdate1

11 Signs You May Be Dating A Sociopath

Could that amazing new person you or a loved one is dating actually be a sociopath? It's not as far-fetched as you might imagine. Roughly one in 25 Americans is a sociopath, according to Harvard psychologist Dr. Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door.


Of course, not all sociopaths are dangerous criminals. But they certainly can make life difficult, given that the defining characteristic of sociopathy is antisocial behavior.







Here are 11 RED FLAGS to look out for:

RED FLAG #1. Having an oversized ego.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V) notes that sociopaths have an inflated sense of self. They are narcissists to the extreme, with a huge sense of entitlement, Dr. Seth Meyers, a clinical psychologist with the L.A. County Department of Mental Health, wrote for Psychology Today. They tend to blame others for their own failures.

RED FLAG #2. Lying and exhibiting manipulative behavior.

Sociopaths use deceit and manipulation on a regular basis. Why? "Lying for the sake of lying. Lying just to see whether you can trick people. And sometimes telling larger lies to get larger effects," Dr. Stout told Interview Magazine.

RED FLAG #3. Exhibiting a lack of empathy.

“They don’t really have the meaningful emotional inner worlds that most people have and perhaps because of that they can't really imagine or feel the emotional worlds of other people," M. E. Thomas, a diagnosed sociopath and author of Confessions Of A Sociopath, told NPR. "It’s very foreign to them.”

RED FLAG #4. Showing a lack of remorse or shame.

The DSM-V entry on antisocial personality disorder indicates that sociopaths lack remorse, guilt or shame.

RED FLAG #5. Staying eerily calm in scary or dangerous situations.

A sociopath might not be anxious following a car accident, for instance, M.E. Thomas said. And experiments have shown that while normal people show fear when they see disturbing images or are threatened with electric shocks, sociopaths tend not to.

RED FLAG #6. Behaving irresponsibly or with extreme impulsivity.

Sociopaths bounce from goal to goal, and act on the spur of the moment, according to the DSM. They can be irresponsible when it comes to their finances and their obligations to other people.

RED FLAG #7. Having few friends.

Sociopaths tend not to have friends--not real ones, anyway. "Sociopaths don’t want friends, unless they need them. Or all of their friends are superficially connected with them, friends by association," psychotherapist Ross Rosenberg, author of the Human Magnet Syndrome, told The Huffington Post.

RED FLAG #8. Being charming--but only superfically.

Sociopaths can be very charismatic and friendly -- because they know it will help them get what they want. “They are expert con artists and always have a secret agenda,” Rosenberg said. "People are so amazed when they find that someone is a sociopath because they’re so amazingly effective at blending in. They’re masters of disguise. Their main tool to keep them from being discovered is a creation of an outer personality."

As M.E. Thomas described in a post for Psychology Today: "You would like me if you met me. I have the kind of smile that is common among television show characters and rare in real life, perfect in its sparkly teeth dimensions and ability to express pleasant invitation."

RED FLAG #9. Living by the "pleasure principle."

"If it feels good and they are able to avoid consequences, they will do it! They live their life in the fast lane -- to the extreme -- seeking stimulation, excitement and pleasure from wherever they can get it," Rosenberg wrote in Human Magnet Syndrome.

RED FLAG #10. Showing disregard for societal norms.

They break rules and laws because they don't believe society's rules apply to them, psychiatrist Dr. Dale Archer wrote in a blog on Psychology Today.

RED FLAG #11. Having "intense" eyes.

Sociopaths have no problem with maintaining uninterrupted eye contact. "Our failure to look away politely is also perceived as being aggressive or seductive," M.E. Thomas wrote for Psychology Today.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/23/11-signs-dating-a-sociopath_n_3780417.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009

11 Signs You May Be Dating A Sociopath

Could that amazing new person you or a loved one is dating actually be a sociopath? It's not as far-fetched as you might imagine. Roughly one in 25 Americans is a sociopath, according to Harvard psychologist Dr. Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door.


Of course, not all sociopaths are dangerous criminals. But they certainly can make life difficult, given that the defining characteristic of sociopathy is antisocial behavior.







Here are 11 RED FLAGS to look out for:

RED FLAG #1. Having an oversized ego.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V) notes that sociopaths have an inflated sense of self. They are narcissists to the extreme, with a huge sense of entitlement, Dr. Seth Meyers, a clinical psychologist with the L.A. County Department of Mental Health, wrote for Psychology Today. They tend to blame others for their own failures.

RED FLAG #2. Lying and exhibiting manipulative behavior.

Sociopaths use deceit and manipulation on a regular basis. Why? "Lying for the sake of lying. Lying just to see whether you can trick people. And sometimes telling larger lies to get larger effects," Dr. Stout told Interview Magazine.

RED FLAG #3. Exhibiting a lack of empathy.

“They don’t really have the meaningful emotional inner worlds that most people have and perhaps because of that they can't really imagine or feel the emotional worlds of other people," M. E. Thomas, a diagnosed sociopath and author of Confessions Of A Sociopath, told NPR. "It’s very foreign to them.”

RED FLAG #4. Showing a lack of remorse or shame.

The DSM-V entry on antisocial personality disorder indicates that sociopaths lack remorse, guilt or shame.

RED FLAG #5. Staying eerily calm in scary or dangerous situations.

A sociopath might not be anxious following a car accident, for instance, M.E. Thomas said. And experiments have shown that while normal people show fear when they see disturbing images or are threatened with electric shocks, sociopaths tend not to.

RED FLAG #6. Behaving irresponsibly or with extreme impulsivity.

Sociopaths bounce from goal to goal, and act on the spur of the moment, according to the DSM. They can be irresponsible when it comes to their finances and their obligations to other people.

RED FLAG #7. Having few friends.

Sociopaths tend not to have friends--not real ones, anyway. "Sociopaths don’t want friends, unless they need them. Or all of their friends are superficially connected with them, friends by association," psychotherapist Ross Rosenberg, author of the Human Magnet Syndrome, told The Huffington Post.

RED FLAG #8. Being charming--but only superfically.

Sociopaths can be very charismatic and friendly -- because they know it will help them get what they want. “They are expert con artists and always have a secret agenda,” Rosenberg said. "People are so amazed when they find that someone is a sociopath because they’re so amazingly effective at blending in. They’re masters of disguise. Their main tool to keep them from being discovered is a creation of an outer personality."

As M.E. Thomas described in a post for Psychology Today: "You would like me if you met me. I have the kind of smile that is common among television show characters and rare in real life, perfect in its sparkly teeth dimensions and ability to express pleasant invitation."

RED FLAG #9. Living by the "pleasure principle."

"If it feels good and they are able to avoid consequences, they will do it! They live their life in the fast lane -- to the extreme -- seeking stimulation, excitement and pleasure from wherever they can get it," Rosenberg wrote in Human Magnet Syndrome.

RED FLAG #10. Showing disregard for societal norms.

They break rules and laws because they don't believe society's rules apply to them, psychiatrist Dr. Dale Archer wrote in a blog on Psychology Today.

RED FLAG #11. Having "intense" eyes.

Sociopaths have no problem with maintaining uninterrupted eye contact. "Our failure to look away politely is also perceived as being aggressive or seductive," M.E. Thomas wrote for Psychology Today.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/23/11-signs-dating-a-sociopath_n_3780417.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009

College Hookups: Sex At Parties More Acceptable Than Sex On First Dates, Study Reveals

A new U.S. study finds that university students say hooking up at a party is more acceptable than sex on a first date. 

Researchers from Middle Tennessee State University recruited 300 college students to respond to questions about sexual behaviors, Livescience reported on Tuesday.

The students were asked to explain their feelings regarding the following scenario: a couple meets a party and has sex that night, and then later they go on a date, which ends in a kiss.

Findings showed that the students viewed the party versus the date as "drastically different," with each having their own set of rules, LiveScience reported. The students said that hooking up at a party was considered acceptable, but not on a first date, even if the couple had previously had sex the night of the party.

"Our findings suggest that different behavior by the exact same people is really based on the context or the situation...not necessarily just the person, who they are, their values or their desires," said study researcher Gretchen Webber, according to the report. "It really shows the dominance of the setting for directing people's behavior."

Alcohol was also a key difference in the two scenarios, with the students assuming the sexual behaviors were influenced by alcohol at the party, while the date suggested an interest in a relationship, which requires conversation in more sober circumstances.
Webber presented her findings this week at the American Sociological Association's 108th Annual Meeting in New York.

In a separate study presented at the conference, University of Portland researchers say that college students today aren't having any more casual sex than students from 20 years ago. By comparing survey responses from students in college at some point during the years 1988-1996 with those of students who were in college at some point during 2002-2010, the researchers found few differences in sexual attitudes and behaviors.

College Hookups: Sex At Parties More Acceptable Than Sex On First Dates, Study Reveals

A new U.S. study finds that university students say hooking up at a party is more acceptable than sex on a first date. 

Researchers from Middle Tennessee State University recruited 300 college students to respond to questions about sexual behaviors, Livescience reported on Tuesday.

The students were asked to explain their feelings regarding the following scenario: a couple meets a party and has sex that night, and then later they go on a date, which ends in a kiss.

Findings showed that the students viewed the party versus the date as "drastically different," with each having their own set of rules, LiveScience reported. The students said that hooking up at a party was considered acceptable, but not on a first date, even if the couple had previously had sex the night of the party.

"Our findings suggest that different behavior by the exact same people is really based on the context or the situation...not necessarily just the person, who they are, their values or their desires," said study researcher Gretchen Webber, according to the report. "It really shows the dominance of the setting for directing people's behavior."

Alcohol was also a key difference in the two scenarios, with the students assuming the sexual behaviors were influenced by alcohol at the party, while the date suggested an interest in a relationship, which requires conversation in more sober circumstances.
Webber presented her findings this week at the American Sociological Association's 108th Annual Meeting in New York.

In a separate study presented at the conference, University of Portland researchers say that college students today aren't having any more casual sex than students from 20 years ago. By comparing survey responses from students in college at some point during the years 1988-1996 with those of students who were in college at some point during 2002-2010, the researchers found few differences in sexual attitudes and behaviors.

USC student claims police told her she was NOT raped because the attacker didn't orgasm

• Dozens of USC students have filed a federal complaint against the school for allegedly mishandling sexual assault and rape cases
• In one case, a young woman said campus police dismissed her rape report because the attacker did not orgasm
• Another student said after the school dismissed her report of sexual assault, she was forced to attend class with her alleged attacker
• Tucker Reed, 23, claims her case was ignored even though she provided a recording of her alleged attacker confessing to the crime
• The U.S. Department of Education has launched an investigation into the claims

University of Southern California students claim in a federal complaint that the school has ignored or mishandled dozens of sexual assault cases, including one case in which a woman was allegedly told by campus police that her rape report was groundless because the assailant did not orgasm.

'Because he stopped, it was not rape,' the student was allegedly told by a Department of Public Safety detective, according to the complaint, which details similar stories from more than 100 other students.

'Even though his penis penetrated your vagina, because he stopped, it was not a crime,' the detective allegedly said. As a result, the woman's case was not referred to the Los Angeles Police Department, the complaint says. 

Tucker Reed, 23, who is a theater major at USC, says her ex-boyfriend raped her in December 2010. When she took her claims to university officials in December 2012, she said her case was not properly investigated

Ariella Mostov said officials ignored her claims that she was sexually assaulted and that afterwards, she was forced to attend classes with the suspect for an entire semester

The U.S. Department of Education is launching a federal investigation into the woman's claims, along with the dozens of other allegations lodged against the school in the 110-page complaint. USC official Jody Shipper says the school will cooperate with federal officials on the inquiry.

Several students behind the complaint held a press conference Monday to talk about their cases. 

'The process made me feel raped a second time,' said Tucker Reed, 23, who is a theater major at USC.

More...

• Connecticut police REFUSED to send a hostage negotiator to Petit home the morning they were brutally murdered
• Police investigate shocking videos 'showing high school students paddling younger pupils with hockey sticks in brutal hazing ritual'
• NBA player's abortion contract with girlfriend revealed he promised to keep dating her for a year if she ended pregnancy or he'd pay her $25k

Reed says her ex-boyfriend raped her in December 2010. When she took her claims to university officials in December 2012, she said her case was not properly investigated and that it was eventually dismissed.

She says she had presented detectives with evidence of the assault, including a recording in which her alleged attacker admitted to the crime.
Another student, Ariella Mostov, said officials ignored her claims that she was sexually assaulted and that afterwards, she was forced attend classes with the suspect for an entire semester.

University of Southern California students hold a press conference on a federal complaint accusing the school of ignoring or mishandling dozens of sexual assault cases

'USC was unwilling to make any accommodations for me,' she said, her voice shaking with emotion.'I was outraged.'When another student went to the school's Department of Public Safety to report a sexual assault at a fraternity event, an officer told her and a friend that women should not 'go out, get drunk and expect not to get raped,' according to the complaint.

The federal investigation is the latest in a series of inquiries into whether colleges are complying with the guidelines of Title IX, a federal civil rights law that prohibits sex discrimination in education. Similar complaints have been filed against other schools around the nation, including Occidental College, UC Berkeley, Dartmouth, Swarthmore and Yale.

SOURCE : http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2375635/USC-student-rape-claims-police-told-NOT-raped-attacker-didnt-orgasm.html

USC student claims police told her she was NOT raped because the attacker didn't orgasm

• Dozens of USC students have filed a federal complaint against the school for allegedly mishandling sexual assault and rape cases
• In one case, a young woman said campus police dismissed her rape report because the attacker did not orgasm
• Another student said after the school dismissed her report of sexual assault, she was forced to attend class with her alleged attacker
• Tucker Reed, 23, claims her case was ignored even though she provided a recording of her alleged attacker confessing to the crime
• The U.S. Department of Education has launched an investigation into the claims

University of Southern California students claim in a federal complaint that the school has ignored or mishandled dozens of sexual assault cases, including one case in which a woman was allegedly told by campus police that her rape report was groundless because the assailant did not orgasm.

'Because he stopped, it was not rape,' the student was allegedly told by a Department of Public Safety detective, according to the complaint, which details similar stories from more than 100 other students.

'Even though his penis penetrated your vagina, because he stopped, it was not a crime,' the detective allegedly said. As a result, the woman's case was not referred to the Los Angeles Police Department, the complaint says. 

Tucker Reed, 23, who is a theater major at USC, says her ex-boyfriend raped her in December 2010. When she took her claims to university officials in December 2012, she said her case was not properly investigated

Ariella Mostov said officials ignored her claims that she was sexually assaulted and that afterwards, she was forced to attend classes with the suspect for an entire semester

The U.S. Department of Education is launching a federal investigation into the woman's claims, along with the dozens of other allegations lodged against the school in the 110-page complaint. USC official Jody Shipper says the school will cooperate with federal officials on the inquiry.

Several students behind the complaint held a press conference Monday to talk about their cases. 

'The process made me feel raped a second time,' said Tucker Reed, 23, who is a theater major at USC.

More...

• Connecticut police REFUSED to send a hostage negotiator to Petit home the morning they were brutally murdered
• Police investigate shocking videos 'showing high school students paddling younger pupils with hockey sticks in brutal hazing ritual'
• NBA player's abortion contract with girlfriend revealed he promised to keep dating her for a year if she ended pregnancy or he'd pay her $25k

Reed says her ex-boyfriend raped her in December 2010. When she took her claims to university officials in December 2012, she said her case was not properly investigated and that it was eventually dismissed.

She says she had presented detectives with evidence of the assault, including a recording in which her alleged attacker admitted to the crime.
Another student, Ariella Mostov, said officials ignored her claims that she was sexually assaulted and that afterwards, she was forced attend classes with the suspect for an entire semester.

University of Southern California students hold a press conference on a federal complaint accusing the school of ignoring or mishandling dozens of sexual assault cases

'USC was unwilling to make any accommodations for me,' she said, her voice shaking with emotion.'I was outraged.'When another student went to the school's Department of Public Safety to report a sexual assault at a fraternity event, an officer told her and a friend that women should not 'go out, get drunk and expect not to get raped,' according to the complaint.

The federal investigation is the latest in a series of inquiries into whether colleges are complying with the guidelines of Title IX, a federal civil rights law that prohibits sex discrimination in education. Similar complaints have been filed against other schools around the nation, including Occidental College, UC Berkeley, Dartmouth, Swarthmore and Yale.

SOURCE : http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2375635/USC-student-rape-claims-police-told-NOT-raped-attacker-didnt-orgasm.html

Guards Turn Women’s Prison Into Personal Sex Dungeon

This story will probably make you sick to your stomach.  A complaint for civil damages was recently filed against the Live Oak County jail system in Texas, naming the county and three guards as having turned the jail into their own personal sexual torture dungeon.

 The complaint alleges that three guards at the county jail ran a “rape camp” where they “repeatedly raped and humiliated female inmates,” and forced them to masturbate and sodomize male guards, and one another. The three guards named in the report are Vincent Aguilar, Israel Charles Jr. and Jaime E. Smith

The complaint states, ”Beginning sometime in 2007 to at least August of 2010 the Live Oak County Sheriff’s office ran a ‘rape camp’ known as the Live Oak County Jail,” the complaint states. “In this facility, numerous jailers, all employed by the Live Oak County Sheriff’s Office, repeatedly raped and humiliated female inmates over an extended period of time. These forced acts of lasciviousness included, but are not limited to, forcing female inmates to repeatedly perform oral sex on male guards, forcing female inmates to repeatedly masturbate the male guards, the male guards masturbating in view of the female inmates, male guards forcing digital penetrative sex acts in the female inmates’, forcing female inmates to engage in sexual sex acts with other female inmates, including but not limited to forcing female inmates to have oral sex with each other, among other things.”

“In addition to the repeated sexual assaults, numerous female inmates were sexually harassed. Certain male guards would strip the female inmates of their clothing and provide only shaving cream to conceal their genitalia. Certain male guards would sometimes force the female inmates to shower in front of them while instructing them to shave their vaginas. In other instances, while detailing their degenerate sexual fantasies, the jailers would pin the girls against a wall, grope their persons, verbally berate them, digitally rape their vagina and/or anus, then force them to perform oral sex.”
“In order to facilitate their carnal impulses, these guards would withhold food and water, engage in physical abuse, restrict privileges and verbally and emotionally abuse the women – even threaten to kill them in order to compel their compliance.”

You need a strong stomach to read the full complaint.

One of the three guards named was sentenced to prison for a year, the other two got 18 months.  Pretty good deal for turning a jail into your own sexual torture dungeon.  Imagine if you grabbed a woman off the street and held her as a sex slave  in your basement.  You’d never see the light of day again.

This comes on the heels of a prisoner abuse report filed against the Ontario prison system, which lead to 31 guards getting fired and another 108 staff being disciplined.  The report stemmed from a team of investigators reviewing about 2,800 cases of use of force reported over an 18-month period in 2010 and 2011.  As far as I’m aware, no guards were criminally prosecuted for the acts of torture uncovered by the investigation.

In a separate incident, two guards had charges filed against them for acts of torture committed in a Toronto jail.  One officer testifying in that case against her fellow officers said, “I’ve been shunned, people won’t talk to me. When I go to enter a room, they’re all quiet and stop talking.” She also said that a colleague asked her to change her report to justify the use of force.

While this behavior may come as a shock to people who still believe in the necessity and virtue of a state run prison system, it doesn’t come as a surprise to anyone familiar with basic psychology.  Stanford University ran a psychological experiment that mimicked the modern prison system back in 1971.  They had to halt the experiment just six days in because the abuse of students had gone completely out of control.

You can watch a documentary on this experiment here:

I have to believe there are better ways of dealing with criminals besides locking them in cages and torturing them.  However, suggesting any alternatives to incarceration causes a great weeping and gnashing of teeth among most of western society.  Our society has such a deeply ingrained need for vengeance and retribution that the thought of anything less than a cage just doesn’t cut it.

In the end, this blind need for vengeance will cost society dearly.  Presently, America has more prisoners than any other country in the world, by both per-capita and total population.  No one does prison better than the land of the free, where 86% of the federal prison population is there for victimless crimes.  The costs associated with this vast level of incarceration are staggering, and they are only going to get worse as the number of prisoners over the age of 65 is rising at 94 times the rate of the general prison population.

To me, I view our present prison system as a form of double victimization.  When criminals are incarcerated, their victims are forced to pay for the associated incarceration costs through the tax system, so in essence, the system victimizes the victim twice.  Further, in the vast majority of cases, at some point in the future, that prisoner is going to be released from prison.  So society has a choice to make.  They can either stick with the current system of vengeance based double victimization, which leads to high rates of recidivism and churns out exceptionally violent and sociopathic criminals, or society can look for more humane and cost efficient alternatives.

I believe the goal of a penal system should be reform, not vengeance.  Every criminal that is put behind bars becomes a black hole of resource destruction.  They produce nothing, yet consume everything.  Putting prisoners in a structured environment where they can be productive and learn to value their life, as well as the lives of others, leads to a more productive society.  Our present system of punishment accomplishes the exact opposite.  

Article Source: http://banoosh.com/blog/2013/06/19/guards-turn-womens-prison-into-personal-sex-dungeon/

Guards Turn Women’s Prison Into Personal Sex Dungeon

This story will probably make you sick to your stomach.  A complaint for civil damages was recently filed against the Live Oak County jail system in Texas, naming the county and three guards as having turned the jail into their own personal sexual torture dungeon.

 The complaint alleges that three guards at the county jail ran a “rape camp” where they “repeatedly raped and humiliated female inmates,” and forced them to masturbate and sodomize male guards, and one another. The three guards named in the report are Vincent Aguilar, Israel Charles Jr. and Jaime E. Smith

The complaint states, ”Beginning sometime in 2007 to at least August of 2010 the Live Oak County Sheriff’s office ran a ‘rape camp’ known as the Live Oak County Jail,” the complaint states. “In this facility, numerous jailers, all employed by the Live Oak County Sheriff’s Office, repeatedly raped and humiliated female inmates over an extended period of time. These forced acts of lasciviousness included, but are not limited to, forcing female inmates to repeatedly perform oral sex on male guards, forcing female inmates to repeatedly masturbate the male guards, the male guards masturbating in view of the female inmates, male guards forcing digital penetrative sex acts in the female inmates’, forcing female inmates to engage in sexual sex acts with other female inmates, including but not limited to forcing female inmates to have oral sex with each other, among other things.”

“In addition to the repeated sexual assaults, numerous female inmates were sexually harassed. Certain male guards would strip the female inmates of their clothing and provide only shaving cream to conceal their genitalia. Certain male guards would sometimes force the female inmates to shower in front of them while instructing them to shave their vaginas. In other instances, while detailing their degenerate sexual fantasies, the jailers would pin the girls against a wall, grope their persons, verbally berate them, digitally rape their vagina and/or anus, then force them to perform oral sex.”
“In order to facilitate their carnal impulses, these guards would withhold food and water, engage in physical abuse, restrict privileges and verbally and emotionally abuse the women – even threaten to kill them in order to compel their compliance.”

You need a strong stomach to read the full complaint.

One of the three guards named was sentenced to prison for a year, the other two got 18 months.  Pretty good deal for turning a jail into your own sexual torture dungeon.  Imagine if you grabbed a woman off the street and held her as a sex slave  in your basement.  You’d never see the light of day again.

This comes on the heels of a prisoner abuse report filed against the Ontario prison system, which lead to 31 guards getting fired and another 108 staff being disciplined.  The report stemmed from a team of investigators reviewing about 2,800 cases of use of force reported over an 18-month period in 2010 and 2011.  As far as I’m aware, no guards were criminally prosecuted for the acts of torture uncovered by the investigation.

In a separate incident, two guards had charges filed against them for acts of torture committed in a Toronto jail.  One officer testifying in that case against her fellow officers said, “I’ve been shunned, people won’t talk to me. When I go to enter a room, they’re all quiet and stop talking.” She also said that a colleague asked her to change her report to justify the use of force.

While this behavior may come as a shock to people who still believe in the necessity and virtue of a state run prison system, it doesn’t come as a surprise to anyone familiar with basic psychology.  Stanford University ran a psychological experiment that mimicked the modern prison system back in 1971.  They had to halt the experiment just six days in because the abuse of students had gone completely out of control.

You can watch a documentary on this experiment here:

I have to believe there are better ways of dealing with criminals besides locking them in cages and torturing them.  However, suggesting any alternatives to incarceration causes a great weeping and gnashing of teeth among most of western society.  Our society has such a deeply ingrained need for vengeance and retribution that the thought of anything less than a cage just doesn’t cut it.

In the end, this blind need for vengeance will cost society dearly.  Presently, America has more prisoners than any other country in the world, by both per-capita and total population.  No one does prison better than the land of the free, where 86% of the federal prison population is there for victimless crimes.  The costs associated with this vast level of incarceration are staggering, and they are only going to get worse as the number of prisoners over the age of 65 is rising at 94 times the rate of the general prison population.

To me, I view our present prison system as a form of double victimization.  When criminals are incarcerated, their victims are forced to pay for the associated incarceration costs through the tax system, so in essence, the system victimizes the victim twice.  Further, in the vast majority of cases, at some point in the future, that prisoner is going to be released from prison.  So society has a choice to make.  They can either stick with the current system of vengeance based double victimization, which leads to high rates of recidivism and churns out exceptionally violent and sociopathic criminals, or society can look for more humane and cost efficient alternatives.

I believe the goal of a penal system should be reform, not vengeance.  Every criminal that is put behind bars becomes a black hole of resource destruction.  They produce nothing, yet consume everything.  Putting prisoners in a structured environment where they can be productive and learn to value their life, as well as the lives of others, leads to a more productive society.  Our present system of punishment accomplishes the exact opposite.  

Article Source: http://banoosh.com/blog/2013/06/19/guards-turn-womens-prison-into-personal-sex-dungeon/

Woman Sues State - Kaye Believes Biometric License Data Is Start of Biblical ‘Mark of the Beast’

Kaye Beach, a resident of Norman, Oklahoma, no longer has a valid driver’s license. The choice to give it up, she maintains, was a forced sacrifice she made to protect and maintain religious views.

See, Beach is convinced that the photo and information (biometric) that is collected for state licenses is the beginning of the “mark of the beast,” a sign of the Antichrist that is mentioned in the Bible’s Book of Revelation (it is commonly referred to as “666″).

While at first she ignored her concerns surrounding the information that was being collected, she eventually doubled down and, in 2011, she was unable to get a license after refusing to take a photo, give a finger print and take other steps to solidify the renewal.

For the past two years, she has been engaged in legal action, claiming that the process and the mandated data collection violate her religious rights.

Kaye Beach (Photo Credit: KFOR-TV)

“My license came up for renewal in 2011 and I literally sat there and said, ‘I can’t do it,’” Beach told KFOR-TV. “The bottom line for me as a Christian was that I believe that the Bible clearly warns us against being enrolled in a global system of identification and financial control that ties to our bodies.”

At the center of the debate is biometric photography, which eHow describes as an identification card or passport that is “embedded with electronic chips that store information about the passport holder, including their digitally mapped face.” Clearly, this storage of information is seen as immensely troubling to Beach and her supporters.

KFOR-TV has more about her story:

Beach believes that the information that is being collected will eventually lead to a situation in which identity theft runs rampant. Additionally — and on a more personal note — she also contends that licenses and identity cards will inevitably turn into electronic chips or tattoos. These elements, of course, would contain personal information that is now reserved for and held within identification cards

Constitutionally, she believes that her religious views have been impeded upon and that the the government is violating her right not to undergo unreasonable search and seizure. A group called the Constitutional Alliance, a non-profit organization, is supporting her legal battle. She is also represented by the Rutherford Institute, a civil rights legal firm that provides representation free-of-charge.

In 2011, the latter organization wrote the following in announcing the case (the complaint can be read here and a recent motion for a summary judgment can be viewed here):

The Rutherford Institute has come to the defense of an Oklahoma woman who has been denied accommodation of her sincerely held religious objection to having a high-resolution biometric photograph used on her driver’s license. In filing suit against the Oklahoma Department of Public Safety (DPS), Rutherford Institute attorneys contend that the state’s demand for a biometric photograph as a condition of being licensed to drive violates Kaye Beach’s rights under the Oklahoma Religious Freedom Act and the provisions of the Oklahoma Constitution forbidding unreasonable searches and seizures.

John W. Whitehead, founder and president of Rutherford Institute, spoke out at the time, noting that, in the end, it doesn’t matter if the license requirements are truly the “mark of the beast” or just an act taken by “Big Brother.” Either way, he maintained that the outcome is exactly the same — “ultimate control by the government.”

“As Kaye Beach’s case makes clear, failing to have a biometric card can render you a non-person for all intents and purposes, with your ability to work, travel, buy, sell, access health care, and so on jeopardized,” he continued.

The case certainly raises questions about whether biometric imagery should be mandated — and whether there should be religious exemptions for those who oppose it. However some would argue that in an era of terror, these images, which offer authorities important information, are a national security necessity (we’ve covered these issues in the past).

Featured Image Credit: KFOR-TV 

Source of article:  http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2013/07/17/woman-believes-biometric-license-data-is-start-of-biblical-mark-of-the-beast-and-shes-suing-over-it/

Woman Sues State - Kaye Believes Biometric License Data Is Start of Biblical ‘Mark of the Beast’

Kaye Beach, a resident of Norman, Oklahoma, no longer has a valid driver’s license. The choice to give it up, she maintains, was a forced sacrifice she made to protect and maintain religious views.

See, Beach is convinced that the photo and information (biometric) that is collected for state licenses is the beginning of the “mark of the beast,” a sign of the Antichrist that is mentioned in the Bible’s Book of Revelation (it is commonly referred to as “666″).

While at first she ignored her concerns surrounding the information that was being collected, she eventually doubled down and, in 2011, she was unable to get a license after refusing to take a photo, give a finger print and take other steps to solidify the renewal.

For the past two years, she has been engaged in legal action, claiming that the process and the mandated data collection violate her religious rights.

Kaye Beach (Photo Credit: KFOR-TV)

“My license came up for renewal in 2011 and I literally sat there and said, ‘I can’t do it,’” Beach told KFOR-TV. “The bottom line for me as a Christian was that I believe that the Bible clearly warns us against being enrolled in a global system of identification and financial control that ties to our bodies.”

At the center of the debate is biometric photography, which eHow describes as an identification card or passport that is “embedded with electronic chips that store information about the passport holder, including their digitally mapped face.” Clearly, this storage of information is seen as immensely troubling to Beach and her supporters.

KFOR-TV has more about her story:

Beach believes that the information that is being collected will eventually lead to a situation in which identity theft runs rampant. Additionally — and on a more personal note — she also contends that licenses and identity cards will inevitably turn into electronic chips or tattoos. These elements, of course, would contain personal information that is now reserved for and held within identification cards

Constitutionally, she believes that her religious views have been impeded upon and that the the government is violating her right not to undergo unreasonable search and seizure. A group called the Constitutional Alliance, a non-profit organization, is supporting her legal battle. She is also represented by the Rutherford Institute, a civil rights legal firm that provides representation free-of-charge.

In 2011, the latter organization wrote the following in announcing the case (the complaint can be read here and a recent motion for a summary judgment can be viewed here):

The Rutherford Institute has come to the defense of an Oklahoma woman who has been denied accommodation of her sincerely held religious objection to having a high-resolution biometric photograph used on her driver’s license. In filing suit against the Oklahoma Department of Public Safety (DPS), Rutherford Institute attorneys contend that the state’s demand for a biometric photograph as a condition of being licensed to drive violates Kaye Beach’s rights under the Oklahoma Religious Freedom Act and the provisions of the Oklahoma Constitution forbidding unreasonable searches and seizures.

John W. Whitehead, founder and president of Rutherford Institute, spoke out at the time, noting that, in the end, it doesn’t matter if the license requirements are truly the “mark of the beast” or just an act taken by “Big Brother.” Either way, he maintained that the outcome is exactly the same — “ultimate control by the government.”

“As Kaye Beach’s case makes clear, failing to have a biometric card can render you a non-person for all intents and purposes, with your ability to work, travel, buy, sell, access health care, and so on jeopardized,” he continued.

The case certainly raises questions about whether biometric imagery should be mandated — and whether there should be religious exemptions for those who oppose it. However some would argue that in an era of terror, these images, which offer authorities important information, are a national security necessity (we’ve covered these issues in the past).

Featured Image Credit: KFOR-TV 

Source of article:  http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2013/07/17/woman-believes-biometric-license-data-is-start-of-biblical-mark-of-the-beast-and-shes-suing-over-it/

Women can be fired for being 'Irrestibly Attractive'

Melissa Nelson must think the world has gone crazy. The Iowa Supreme Court ruled that her former boss could fire her for reasons she no doubt thinks should be illegal.

According to this article at International Business Times, “the all-male court found that Nelson's former employer James Knight acted unfairly but was within his legal rights to let her go because he viewed her as a threat to this marriage.” The article noted that Knight admitted Nelson never engaged in any inappropriate behavior during the ten years she worked for him.

The article further reported, “Nelson, 33, was fired from Knight’s Fort Dodge business in 2012 and given one month’s severance pay. Despite calling Nelson one of the best dental assistants he’d ever had, Knight said that the decision to fire her, which his lawyer said he “agonized” over, was ultimately an order from his wife. In court records, Knight said that he found Nelson to be an “irresistible attraction,” and frequently made remarks about how attractive he found her.”

So the court ruled, basically, that a woman who works for a male boss can be fired for being attractive, in the eyes of the male boss, if the boss thinks her presence as an employer there threatens his marriage if he thinks he lacks self-control. This is a pathetic decision by pathetic men who are not against a woman who did nothing wrong and didn't deserve to be fired.

The Iowa Supreme Court is made up of four Republicans appointed by current Iowa Governor Terry Branstad and three Democrats appointed by former Democrat Governor Tom Vilsack.

Women can be fired for being 'Irrestibly Attractive'

Melissa Nelson must think the world has gone crazy. The Iowa Supreme Court ruled that her former boss could fire her for reasons she no doubt thinks should be illegal.

According to this article at International Business Times, “the all-male court found that Nelson's former employer James Knight acted unfairly but was within his legal rights to let her go because he viewed her as a threat to this marriage.” The article noted that Knight admitted Nelson never engaged in any inappropriate behavior during the ten years she worked for him.

The article further reported, “Nelson, 33, was fired from Knight’s Fort Dodge business in 2012 and given one month’s severance pay. Despite calling Nelson one of the best dental assistants he’d ever had, Knight said that the decision to fire her, which his lawyer said he “agonized” over, was ultimately an order from his wife. In court records, Knight said that he found Nelson to be an “irresistible attraction,” and frequently made remarks about how attractive he found her.”

So the court ruled, basically, that a woman who works for a male boss can be fired for being attractive, in the eyes of the male boss, if the boss thinks her presence as an employer there threatens his marriage if he thinks he lacks self-control. This is a pathetic decision by pathetic men who are not against a woman who did nothing wrong and didn't deserve to be fired.

The Iowa Supreme Court is made up of four Republicans appointed by current Iowa Governor Terry Branstad and three Democrats appointed by former Democrat Governor Tom Vilsack.

Jaw-Dropping, Impossible Feat of Balance

There are no words to describe Miyoko Shida’s performance for the Spanish TV program “Tu si que vales” (“You can do it.”).

In many ways, Miyoko’s performance is a macroscopic reflection of an equally awe-inspiring dance of molecules within each cell of our body each and every moment.

Her performance reminds us that, as Walter Miller once said, ‘We don’t have a soul, we ARE a soul, we have a body.’

Jaw-Dropping, Impossible Feat of Balance

There are no words to describe Miyoko Shida’s performance for the Spanish TV program “Tu si que vales” (“You can do it.”).

In many ways, Miyoko’s performance is a macroscopic reflection of an equally awe-inspiring dance of molecules within each cell of our body each and every moment.

Her performance reminds us that, as Walter Miller once said, ‘We don’t have a soul, we ARE a soul, we have a body.’

15-year-old Canadian girl invents flashlight powered only by body heat & earns spot in Google Science Fair finals

The flashlight has been able to maintain light for over 20 minutes which makes it a handy device in case of emergencies

This girl's science project really puts your baking soda volcano to shame

A 15-year-old girl in Canada has invented a flashlight that only needs the warmth of the hand to turn on.

Ann Makosinski, a high school junior in Victoria, British Columbia, was trying to think of a way of harvesting untapped energy when she was inspired to make the flashlight.

She realized that the warmth generated by the human body was an overlooked energy source.

Her project objective was to create a flashlight that ran solely off the heat of the hand.

That objective was accomplished when she discovered Peltier tiles, which produce electricity when one side of the tile is heated and the other is cooled.

Makosinski realized she could use these tiles to create energy for her flashlight if she left the device hollow.

Holding the flashlight on the outside would cause the tiles to heat up on one side while the ambient air would cool down the tile on the inside of the flashlight.

The power created by the tiles was enough to power an LED light, but it did not create enough voltage.

To troubleshoot that issue she created a circuit that would allow for transformers, upping the voltage.

It worked! The flashlight does have one issue: it works better in colder temperatures since the inside is better able to cool down comparative to the person's body heat.

15-year-old Canadian girl invents flashlight powered only by body heat & earns spot in Google Science Fair finals

The flashlight has been able to maintain light for over 20 minutes which makes it a handy device in case of emergencies

This girl's science project really puts your baking soda volcano to shame

A 15-year-old girl in Canada has invented a flashlight that only needs the warmth of the hand to turn on.

Ann Makosinski, a high school junior in Victoria, British Columbia, was trying to think of a way of harvesting untapped energy when she was inspired to make the flashlight.

She realized that the warmth generated by the human body was an overlooked energy source.

Her project objective was to create a flashlight that ran solely off the heat of the hand.

That objective was accomplished when she discovered Peltier tiles, which produce electricity when one side of the tile is heated and the other is cooled.

Makosinski realized she could use these tiles to create energy for her flashlight if she left the device hollow.

Holding the flashlight on the outside would cause the tiles to heat up on one side while the ambient air would cool down the tile on the inside of the flashlight.

The power created by the tiles was enough to power an LED light, but it did not create enough voltage.

To troubleshoot that issue she created a circuit that would allow for transformers, upping the voltage.

It worked! The flashlight does have one issue: it works better in colder temperatures since the inside is better able to cool down comparative to the person's body heat.