6 Signs Your Expectations Are Way Too High in Relationships

Sometimes dating is like stepping into a world of delusion. There are so many people out there with outsized expectations of what their "soul mate" should be. Of course, I'm not saying you should settle for just anything. I've seen too much of that too. But people are people -- they're not superheroes, cartoons, or characters from movies or fiction. Still, that doesn't stop some people for looking for perfection -- which, frankly, they will never find. Brandi Glanville seems to be hitting up against this nonsense, as she recently tweeted:





Here are six signs your expectations are too high.

1. You keep getting rejected. Unless you have a seriously antisocial personality or your pits reek, chances are that you should at least occasionally get pursued by a member of the opposite sex or have people willing to go on at least a first date with you. If it seems like you're getting turned down a lot, you're probably shooting outside your league. In plain English, if you're a 6, you're not going to get a 10. Stop trying. The problem is that most 6s think they're 10s.

2. Your list of dealbreakers is all superficial. Most people have dealbreakers and a list of qualities they want a partner to have. But if yours is more about "has to be over six feet tall," "has to have good abs," "has to have blue eyes," than "has to be a good person," "has to have never cheated," "has to care about people other than himself," you're focusing on the wrong things.

3. Short-term relationship history. If you're in your 30s or 40s and have never had a relationship last more than a couple of years, your expectations are definitely too high.

4. You expect a relationship to go the way it does in your mind. Imagine if someone you were dating had a bunch of preconceived ideas about what you should say, think, do, how you should dress, how you should walk, how you should handle your emotions, how much money you should make, how you should look when you wake up in the morning, etc. Chances are, you wouldn't live up to any of it. So don't do that to another person. Men are not mind-readers and it's up to you to say what you want and expect.

5. You have romantic ideals of a "soul mate." No one can make you happy, fulfill your life, or "complete" you. I don't care what Jerry Maguire says. A person can only contribute to your happiness so much. It's really not anyone else's responsibility to give you a reason to wake up in the morning. Would you want that responsibility for someone else?

6. You want someone who is the opposite sex version of you. It's okay to want compatibility -- someone who isn't allergic to cats if you have them; someone who likes the outdoors if that's your passion. But when you begin to expect someone to like the same food, music, movies, books you do, as well as have the same opinions, politics, ideas, thoughts, etc. Well, you apparently just want to date yourself. And that's what you'll end up doing.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kiri Blakeley
is a journalist, author, blogger, and all-around opinionista. Her book, Can't Think Straight: A Memoir of Mixed-Up Love, is available now.
More

6 Signs Your Expectations Are Way Too High in Relationships

Sometimes dating is like stepping into a world of delusion. There are so many people out there with outsized expectations of what their "soul mate" should be. Of course, I'm not saying you should settle for just anything. I've seen too much of that too. But people are people -- they're not superheroes, cartoons, or characters from movies or fiction. Still, that doesn't stop some people for looking for perfection -- which, frankly, they will never find. Brandi Glanville seems to be hitting up against this nonsense, as she recently tweeted:





Here are six signs your expectations are too high.

1. You keep getting rejected. Unless you have a seriously antisocial personality or your pits reek, chances are that you should at least occasionally get pursued by a member of the opposite sex or have people willing to go on at least a first date with you. If it seems like you're getting turned down a lot, you're probably shooting outside your league. In plain English, if you're a 6, you're not going to get a 10. Stop trying. The problem is that most 6s think they're 10s.

2. Your list of dealbreakers is all superficial. Most people have dealbreakers and a list of qualities they want a partner to have. But if yours is more about "has to be over six feet tall," "has to have good abs," "has to have blue eyes," than "has to be a good person," "has to have never cheated," "has to care about people other than himself," you're focusing on the wrong things.

3. Short-term relationship history. If you're in your 30s or 40s and have never had a relationship last more than a couple of years, your expectations are definitely too high.

4. You expect a relationship to go the way it does in your mind. Imagine if someone you were dating had a bunch of preconceived ideas about what you should say, think, do, how you should dress, how you should walk, how you should handle your emotions, how much money you should make, how you should look when you wake up in the morning, etc. Chances are, you wouldn't live up to any of it. So don't do that to another person. Men are not mind-readers and it's up to you to say what you want and expect.

5. You have romantic ideals of a "soul mate." No one can make you happy, fulfill your life, or "complete" you. I don't care what Jerry Maguire says. A person can only contribute to your happiness so much. It's really not anyone else's responsibility to give you a reason to wake up in the morning. Would you want that responsibility for someone else?

6. You want someone who is the opposite sex version of you. It's okay to want compatibility -- someone who isn't allergic to cats if you have them; someone who likes the outdoors if that's your passion. But when you begin to expect someone to like the same food, music, movies, books you do, as well as have the same opinions, politics, ideas, thoughts, etc. Well, you apparently just want to date yourself. And that's what you'll end up doing.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kiri Blakeley
is a journalist, author, blogger, and all-around opinionista. Her book, Can't Think Straight: A Memoir of Mixed-Up Love, is available now.
More

10 Surprising Things All Wives Should Know About Their Husbands

 Whether you recently said "I do" or just celebrated a double-digit anniversary, you can probably spout off a lot of info about your husband-his middle name, where he was born, his favorite food. But knowing these 10 other things can bring you closer than ever. Find out why, and try these relationship strategies to ensure your husband is anything but a mystery. Photo by Getty Images

1. When He Needs Space

Sharing office news, the kids' schedules and the latest neighborhood drama as soon as your husband walks in the door each night can backfire. "Most women want to immediately connect at the end of the day. For a lot of guys, they need their space more than ever then," says Les Parrott III, PhD, a psychology professor and co-author (with wife and marriage therapist Leslie Parrott, EdD) of The Good Fight: How Conflict Can Bring You Closer. Give your hubby a few minutes to unwind when he comes home. You're more likely to get his undivided attention if you wait.

2. When He's Really Listening
If it seems like your husband constantly tunes you out, consider this: Men may look at other areas of the room while still paying attention, according to Deborah Tannen, author of You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, who reviewed videotapes of same-sex best friends talking. Rather than focus on where your husband's gaze lands during conversations, note how he responds to you. If your words are truly falling on deaf ears, Rachel A. Sussman, a relationship specialist and author of The Breakup Bible, suggests gently telling him you feel he isn't listening; then, let him respond. "Don't accuse or blame him," she advises.

3. The Most Productive Way to Fight…
Arguments happen in any good marriage. But there's a wrong and right way to fight. Through a study conducted to predict how long couples would stay married, researchers discovered, not surprisingly, that yelling during fights often led to divorce-but so did approaching arguments differently from one's spouse (say, one spoke calmly and the other avoided the conversation). "Ask yourself, 'When would I want to have this conversation?'" suggests Sussman. "Then, think about what might work best for your husband." Assessing both your moods can help you pinpoint the best time for a constructive argument.

  4. …And When an Argument is Going Nowhere
For some disagreements, there's just no productive way to fight it out. To find out if you're gearing up for a purposeful fight, rate the importance of the topic. If it's a core value-like how to raise your children or which city to live in-rank it highly. If it's not-like the color of a new bedspread or what to have for dinner-it may not be worth an argument. Next, determine if you and your husband are ready for the discussion. If either of you are "tired, hungry or distracted, don't get into a conversation about something important," Dr. Leslie Parrott advises.

5. Which Topics Set Him Off
Maybe it's talking about his mom's flavorless cooking-or his late nights at work. Dr. Les Parrott says it's important to "know where the emotional landmines are. If you step on one, you can expect an explosion," he says. But you can't avoid all "hot topics." "Find the right space and time to talk about these issues," he suggests. Plus, try to understand your husband's side, and then approach him in a non-threatening way. You might say, "I'm not looking to upset you; I'm just looking for a solution to an issue that's causing me a lot of pain," Sussman offers.

6. How (and When) to Be His Support System
Couples who say they have strong spousal support and face daily stress have 50% higher rates of marriage satisfaction, according to a 2012 study. While wives equate affection and warmth with support, husbands feel supported when they're appreciated, needed and receiving offers to help with errands. Not sure if your hubby needs you? Ask him. "Mindreading is outlawed," says Jackie Black, PhD, a board-certified couples' coach and author of Meeting Your Match: Cracking the Code to Successful Relationships. Volunteer to tackle some tasks on his list so he can recharge. And tell him how much you appreciate him as a partner to give him a boost.

7. When He's Not Loving Your Love Life
If your man isn't showing signs he wants to have sex-perhaps he usually kisses your neck or gives you a telltale look-then it's time to rekindle the fire. Dr. Leslie Parrott says couples reconnect when they try out-of-the-box activities together. "Women experience intimacy through communication, so we often underplay sharing something novel," she says. Plan a date that'll get you both in the mood. Some ideas: Sign up for a race, head to the museum or take a cooking class to, ahem, turn up the heat.

8. How He Views His Role as Husband and Father
Whether it's just you two or you plus kids, you and your husband have equally important family roles. And it's vital that you recognize how he views his part and respect it. "Of course that's a two-way street, but it's even more important for men," says Dr. Les Parrott, who adds that respecting his role helps him feel close to you. Fight the urge to cast your husband into specific parts without his input. And keep in mind that you don't always have to be in sync with parenting. "Differences in temperament and style are key to parents' success and the enjoyment of parenting," Dr. Black says.

9. What His Dream Job (or Vacation or Car) Is
It's easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of day-to-day life, but happy couples discuss "each other's hopes and dreams to build and sustain intimacy," says Dr. Black. Make it a point to regularly talk to your husband about, well, him. Find out his career goals for the next few years-or just hear about his favorite book, TV show or food of the moment. Then, reciprocate by telling him more about you. Communication helps you grow with each other instead of apart.

10. That You Don't Know Everything About Him
No matter how much you communicate with your husband, you can never completely know him, and that's OK. "It's never good to believe you know anything about your partner for sure and therefore not ask," says Dr. Black. "It's vital that you and your husband continually get to know each other," adds Sussman. "If you're growing, you have to continue to catch up with each other." That means there's at least one enjoyable thing you can do each week: get to know-and fall in love with-your husband all over again.

Source   Shine

10 Surprising Things All Wives Should Know About Their Husbands

 Whether you recently said "I do" or just celebrated a double-digit anniversary, you can probably spout off a lot of info about your husband-his middle name, where he was born, his favorite food. But knowing these 10 other things can bring you closer than ever. Find out why, and try these relationship strategies to ensure your husband is anything but a mystery. Photo by Getty Images

1. When He Needs Space

Sharing office news, the kids' schedules and the latest neighborhood drama as soon as your husband walks in the door each night can backfire. "Most women want to immediately connect at the end of the day. For a lot of guys, they need their space more than ever then," says Les Parrott III, PhD, a psychology professor and co-author (with wife and marriage therapist Leslie Parrott, EdD) of The Good Fight: How Conflict Can Bring You Closer. Give your hubby a few minutes to unwind when he comes home. You're more likely to get his undivided attention if you wait.

2. When He's Really Listening
If it seems like your husband constantly tunes you out, consider this: Men may look at other areas of the room while still paying attention, according to Deborah Tannen, author of You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, who reviewed videotapes of same-sex best friends talking. Rather than focus on where your husband's gaze lands during conversations, note how he responds to you. If your words are truly falling on deaf ears, Rachel A. Sussman, a relationship specialist and author of The Breakup Bible, suggests gently telling him you feel he isn't listening; then, let him respond. "Don't accuse or blame him," she advises.

3. The Most Productive Way to Fight…
Arguments happen in any good marriage. But there's a wrong and right way to fight. Through a study conducted to predict how long couples would stay married, researchers discovered, not surprisingly, that yelling during fights often led to divorce-but so did approaching arguments differently from one's spouse (say, one spoke calmly and the other avoided the conversation). "Ask yourself, 'When would I want to have this conversation?'" suggests Sussman. "Then, think about what might work best for your husband." Assessing both your moods can help you pinpoint the best time for a constructive argument.

  4. …And When an Argument is Going Nowhere
For some disagreements, there's just no productive way to fight it out. To find out if you're gearing up for a purposeful fight, rate the importance of the topic. If it's a core value-like how to raise your children or which city to live in-rank it highly. If it's not-like the color of a new bedspread or what to have for dinner-it may not be worth an argument. Next, determine if you and your husband are ready for the discussion. If either of you are "tired, hungry or distracted, don't get into a conversation about something important," Dr. Leslie Parrott advises.

5. Which Topics Set Him Off
Maybe it's talking about his mom's flavorless cooking-or his late nights at work. Dr. Les Parrott says it's important to "know where the emotional landmines are. If you step on one, you can expect an explosion," he says. But you can't avoid all "hot topics." "Find the right space and time to talk about these issues," he suggests. Plus, try to understand your husband's side, and then approach him in a non-threatening way. You might say, "I'm not looking to upset you; I'm just looking for a solution to an issue that's causing me a lot of pain," Sussman offers.

6. How (and When) to Be His Support System
Couples who say they have strong spousal support and face daily stress have 50% higher rates of marriage satisfaction, according to a 2012 study. While wives equate affection and warmth with support, husbands feel supported when they're appreciated, needed and receiving offers to help with errands. Not sure if your hubby needs you? Ask him. "Mindreading is outlawed," says Jackie Black, PhD, a board-certified couples' coach and author of Meeting Your Match: Cracking the Code to Successful Relationships. Volunteer to tackle some tasks on his list so he can recharge. And tell him how much you appreciate him as a partner to give him a boost.

7. When He's Not Loving Your Love Life
If your man isn't showing signs he wants to have sex-perhaps he usually kisses your neck or gives you a telltale look-then it's time to rekindle the fire. Dr. Leslie Parrott says couples reconnect when they try out-of-the-box activities together. "Women experience intimacy through communication, so we often underplay sharing something novel," she says. Plan a date that'll get you both in the mood. Some ideas: Sign up for a race, head to the museum or take a cooking class to, ahem, turn up the heat.

8. How He Views His Role as Husband and Father
Whether it's just you two or you plus kids, you and your husband have equally important family roles. And it's vital that you recognize how he views his part and respect it. "Of course that's a two-way street, but it's even more important for men," says Dr. Les Parrott, who adds that respecting his role helps him feel close to you. Fight the urge to cast your husband into specific parts without his input. And keep in mind that you don't always have to be in sync with parenting. "Differences in temperament and style are key to parents' success and the enjoyment of parenting," Dr. Black says.

9. What His Dream Job (or Vacation or Car) Is
It's easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of day-to-day life, but happy couples discuss "each other's hopes and dreams to build and sustain intimacy," says Dr. Black. Make it a point to regularly talk to your husband about, well, him. Find out his career goals for the next few years-or just hear about his favorite book, TV show or food of the moment. Then, reciprocate by telling him more about you. Communication helps you grow with each other instead of apart.

10. That You Don't Know Everything About Him
No matter how much you communicate with your husband, you can never completely know him, and that's OK. "It's never good to believe you know anything about your partner for sure and therefore not ask," says Dr. Black. "It's vital that you and your husband continually get to know each other," adds Sussman. "If you're growing, you have to continue to catch up with each other." That means there's at least one enjoyable thing you can do each week: get to know-and fall in love with-your husband all over again.

Source   Shine

Marriage Mistakes That Lead To Divorce

By Anita Yok Sim Ho for YourTango.com
In marriage it's common sense advice to treat one another with respect and share love. But some are not so sure what that looks like on a day to day basis. That's where things get a little trickier. Check out this list of marriage "don'ts" to make sure you're on the right track to a lasting, loving relationship.
For A Healthy Marriage, Don't...

1. Close the door to communication
How can you expect anything to be resolved without clear communication? Take the time to deeply listen to your significant other before responding. We often want to dive into an argument quickly and come from a place of reactivity and fear. Be very mindful of your intention before you speak. Ask yourself, is this for the interest to promote sharing and harmony or is this a need to be right or to control. Look underneath the words to the heart of the matter: often the visible disagreement is only the end result of a much deeper issue. Doing this will set the stage for a much quicker and cleaner resolution.

2. Assume it's your partner's job to make you happy
Putting the heavy responsibility on another human being to make you happy all the time is unrealistic and unfair. Tune into yourself and really know yourself. Love yourself. Meditate, journal, eat well and set out with the intention of discovering yourself. When you know and love yourself from the inside out, you are much better able to deal with life's curveballs with ease and grace — and much less frustration and anger.

3. Withhold intimacy
It's guaranteed that every couple will experience disagreements and hurt feelings. During these bumps in the road, it is essential to keep the usual intimacy going. For some, a single heartfelt touch is worth a thousand words and its weight in gold. To express love in this manner really demonstrates to the other that unconditional love exists. That's important to a relationship: you should support and care for one another even through arguments.

4. Hinder your partner's growth
All life moves in cycles, and as human beings we are no different. As in nature, if you are not growing, you are dying. We constantly have new experiences and this brings the possibility of changes. When your partner changes and grows, it can feel threatening. But trust that they are moving forward in a way that is healthy and important. You would want them to support you in the same way. Are you in a partnership or are you a jailkeeper?

Credit Source Here

Marriage Mistakes That Lead To Divorce

By Anita Yok Sim Ho for YourTango.com
In marriage it's common sense advice to treat one another with respect and share love. But some are not so sure what that looks like on a day to day basis. That's where things get a little trickier. Check out this list of marriage "don'ts" to make sure you're on the right track to a lasting, loving relationship.
For A Healthy Marriage, Don't...

1. Close the door to communication
How can you expect anything to be resolved without clear communication? Take the time to deeply listen to your significant other before responding. We often want to dive into an argument quickly and come from a place of reactivity and fear. Be very mindful of your intention before you speak. Ask yourself, is this for the interest to promote sharing and harmony or is this a need to be right or to control. Look underneath the words to the heart of the matter: often the visible disagreement is only the end result of a much deeper issue. Doing this will set the stage for a much quicker and cleaner resolution.

2. Assume it's your partner's job to make you happy
Putting the heavy responsibility on another human being to make you happy all the time is unrealistic and unfair. Tune into yourself and really know yourself. Love yourself. Meditate, journal, eat well and set out with the intention of discovering yourself. When you know and love yourself from the inside out, you are much better able to deal with life's curveballs with ease and grace — and much less frustration and anger.

3. Withhold intimacy
It's guaranteed that every couple will experience disagreements and hurt feelings. During these bumps in the road, it is essential to keep the usual intimacy going. For some, a single heartfelt touch is worth a thousand words and its weight in gold. To express love in this manner really demonstrates to the other that unconditional love exists. That's important to a relationship: you should support and care for one another even through arguments.

4. Hinder your partner's growth
All life moves in cycles, and as human beings we are no different. As in nature, if you are not growing, you are dying. We constantly have new experiences and this brings the possibility of changes. When your partner changes and grows, it can feel threatening. But trust that they are moving forward in a way that is healthy and important. You would want them to support you in the same way. Are you in a partnership or are you a jailkeeper?

Credit Source Here

7 Signs You're Dating the Right Person

Opposites attract, so you should date someone who's nothing like you. But wait a minute, isn't it important to date someone with a similar background, values and goals? There is so much conflicting advice out there, how can you possibly figure out who to date? It's true that the qualities in a person that differ from yours can add balance and excitement to a relationship. Problems arise when there are too many opposing character traits. Research has shown that the more compatible you are with your mate, the more successful your relationship will be.

Following are seven areas of compatibility to look for when choosing a partner. Of course they don't all have to line up perfectly, but the more aligned you two are, the better the relationship.

7 Signs You're Dating the Right Person

1. Temperament: Do you get along well most of the time or find that he/she irritates you on a regular basis? Do you find yourself saying, "If only she'd think before she spoke," or "I wish he'd be less lazy,"? Is he overly anxious? Does her alphabetized music collection make your skin crawl? What you see is what you get, so if you don't like a lot of what you see, don't try to fix the other person's personality. Find someone whose temperament is more compatible with yours.

2. Communication Style: Are you direct or indirect in conveying what's important to you? Are you passive while she's assertive? Do you hold things in until you explode or speak your mind clearly and directly? In a good relationship, you communicate your needs to each other on a regular basis. If you can both communicate well and in a similar fashion, you'll have a much higher chance at a successful relationship.

3. Friends and Family: Do you like and get along with each other's friends and family? Do you agree about how much time to devote to both? If this is a stressful topic, one that you can't easily resolve, it will potentially have a very negative affect on your relationship.

4. Nutrition and Fitness: Are you a gluten-free vegan while he is a Big Mac addict? Do you surf the waves on the weekend, while she's home surfing the web? This may seem like a minor point, but think about how many meals you will share with each other. How do your mate's food choices and attention to fitness align with your lifestyle and values? If you're not a good match in this arena, you will probably have challenges in your relationship.

5. Financial: Many people say that they are seeking a mate who is financially secure. In today's volatile financial market, financial security is not something you can count on. A more appropriate question is, are you and your partner united in being responsible with finances. Are you both generous? Do you both contribute to charities? Money is something that couples fight about most often. It is helpful if you share similar financial goals and habits.

6. Education: Couples who share similar backgrounds in education, life and professional experience are better suited for each other. They have more in common and can relate to each other in a deeper way. They are on the same wavelength and truly 'get' each other.

7. Intimacy: There are many things that come under the category of intimacy, including romance and public display of affection. Some couples have different sexual needs, which can lead to anger and resentment. A very essential component of a lasting loving relationship includes having similar ideas about frequency and style of intimacy. So if you're more 50 Shades and she's "Ms. Low Libido", you will have some issues in the bedroom.

What can you do if you are not compatible?

1. Accept things as they are
2. Work on yourself and the relationship
3. Leave the relationship.

Remember that the only person you can change is yourself. Your partner will only change if they want to.

If you are dating to find a lasting, loving relationship, it is much better to choose a compatible partner now than to try and fix something that is broken later. Don't be afraid to let go of the wrong person if your basic needs are not met. There are millions of singles in the world. Move on and find a better fit. And make sure to use the most powerful four-letter word in dating: "Next"!

Follow Sandy Weiner on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@lastfirstdate1

7 Signs You're Dating the Right Person

Opposites attract, so you should date someone who's nothing like you. But wait a minute, isn't it important to date someone with a similar background, values and goals? There is so much conflicting advice out there, how can you possibly figure out who to date? It's true that the qualities in a person that differ from yours can add balance and excitement to a relationship. Problems arise when there are too many opposing character traits. Research has shown that the more compatible you are with your mate, the more successful your relationship will be.

Following are seven areas of compatibility to look for when choosing a partner. Of course they don't all have to line up perfectly, but the more aligned you two are, the better the relationship.

7 Signs You're Dating the Right Person

1. Temperament: Do you get along well most of the time or find that he/she irritates you on a regular basis? Do you find yourself saying, "If only she'd think before she spoke," or "I wish he'd be less lazy,"? Is he overly anxious? Does her alphabetized music collection make your skin crawl? What you see is what you get, so if you don't like a lot of what you see, don't try to fix the other person's personality. Find someone whose temperament is more compatible with yours.

2. Communication Style: Are you direct or indirect in conveying what's important to you? Are you passive while she's assertive? Do you hold things in until you explode or speak your mind clearly and directly? In a good relationship, you communicate your needs to each other on a regular basis. If you can both communicate well and in a similar fashion, you'll have a much higher chance at a successful relationship.

3. Friends and Family: Do you like and get along with each other's friends and family? Do you agree about how much time to devote to both? If this is a stressful topic, one that you can't easily resolve, it will potentially have a very negative affect on your relationship.

4. Nutrition and Fitness: Are you a gluten-free vegan while he is a Big Mac addict? Do you surf the waves on the weekend, while she's home surfing the web? This may seem like a minor point, but think about how many meals you will share with each other. How do your mate's food choices and attention to fitness align with your lifestyle and values? If you're not a good match in this arena, you will probably have challenges in your relationship.

5. Financial: Many people say that they are seeking a mate who is financially secure. In today's volatile financial market, financial security is not something you can count on. A more appropriate question is, are you and your partner united in being responsible with finances. Are you both generous? Do you both contribute to charities? Money is something that couples fight about most often. It is helpful if you share similar financial goals and habits.

6. Education: Couples who share similar backgrounds in education, life and professional experience are better suited for each other. They have more in common and can relate to each other in a deeper way. They are on the same wavelength and truly 'get' each other.

7. Intimacy: There are many things that come under the category of intimacy, including romance and public display of affection. Some couples have different sexual needs, which can lead to anger and resentment. A very essential component of a lasting loving relationship includes having similar ideas about frequency and style of intimacy. So if you're more 50 Shades and she's "Ms. Low Libido", you will have some issues in the bedroom.

What can you do if you are not compatible?

1. Accept things as they are
2. Work on yourself and the relationship
3. Leave the relationship.

Remember that the only person you can change is yourself. Your partner will only change if they want to.

If you are dating to find a lasting, loving relationship, it is much better to choose a compatible partner now than to try and fix something that is broken later. Don't be afraid to let go of the wrong person if your basic needs are not met. There are millions of singles in the world. Move on and find a better fit. And make sure to use the most powerful four-letter word in dating: "Next"!

Follow Sandy Weiner on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@lastfirstdate1

11 Signs You May Be Dating A Sociopath

Could that amazing new person you or a loved one is dating actually be a sociopath? It's not as far-fetched as you might imagine. Roughly one in 25 Americans is a sociopath, according to Harvard psychologist Dr. Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door.


Of course, not all sociopaths are dangerous criminals. But they certainly can make life difficult, given that the defining characteristic of sociopathy is antisocial behavior.







Here are 11 RED FLAGS to look out for:

RED FLAG #1. Having an oversized ego.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V) notes that sociopaths have an inflated sense of self. They are narcissists to the extreme, with a huge sense of entitlement, Dr. Seth Meyers, a clinical psychologist with the L.A. County Department of Mental Health, wrote for Psychology Today. They tend to blame others for their own failures.

RED FLAG #2. Lying and exhibiting manipulative behavior.

Sociopaths use deceit and manipulation on a regular basis. Why? "Lying for the sake of lying. Lying just to see whether you can trick people. And sometimes telling larger lies to get larger effects," Dr. Stout told Interview Magazine.

RED FLAG #3. Exhibiting a lack of empathy.

“They don’t really have the meaningful emotional inner worlds that most people have and perhaps because of that they can't really imagine or feel the emotional worlds of other people," M. E. Thomas, a diagnosed sociopath and author of Confessions Of A Sociopath, told NPR. "It’s very foreign to them.”

RED FLAG #4. Showing a lack of remorse or shame.

The DSM-V entry on antisocial personality disorder indicates that sociopaths lack remorse, guilt or shame.

RED FLAG #5. Staying eerily calm in scary or dangerous situations.

A sociopath might not be anxious following a car accident, for instance, M.E. Thomas said. And experiments have shown that while normal people show fear when they see disturbing images or are threatened with electric shocks, sociopaths tend not to.

RED FLAG #6. Behaving irresponsibly or with extreme impulsivity.

Sociopaths bounce from goal to goal, and act on the spur of the moment, according to the DSM. They can be irresponsible when it comes to their finances and their obligations to other people.

RED FLAG #7. Having few friends.

Sociopaths tend not to have friends--not real ones, anyway. "Sociopaths don’t want friends, unless they need them. Or all of their friends are superficially connected with them, friends by association," psychotherapist Ross Rosenberg, author of the Human Magnet Syndrome, told The Huffington Post.

RED FLAG #8. Being charming--but only superfically.

Sociopaths can be very charismatic and friendly -- because they know it will help them get what they want. “They are expert con artists and always have a secret agenda,” Rosenberg said. "People are so amazed when they find that someone is a sociopath because they’re so amazingly effective at blending in. They’re masters of disguise. Their main tool to keep them from being discovered is a creation of an outer personality."

As M.E. Thomas described in a post for Psychology Today: "You would like me if you met me. I have the kind of smile that is common among television show characters and rare in real life, perfect in its sparkly teeth dimensions and ability to express pleasant invitation."

RED FLAG #9. Living by the "pleasure principle."

"If it feels good and they are able to avoid consequences, they will do it! They live their life in the fast lane -- to the extreme -- seeking stimulation, excitement and pleasure from wherever they can get it," Rosenberg wrote in Human Magnet Syndrome.

RED FLAG #10. Showing disregard for societal norms.

They break rules and laws because they don't believe society's rules apply to them, psychiatrist Dr. Dale Archer wrote in a blog on Psychology Today.

RED FLAG #11. Having "intense" eyes.

Sociopaths have no problem with maintaining uninterrupted eye contact. "Our failure to look away politely is also perceived as being aggressive or seductive," M.E. Thomas wrote for Psychology Today.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/23/11-signs-dating-a-sociopath_n_3780417.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009

11 Signs You May Be Dating A Sociopath

Could that amazing new person you or a loved one is dating actually be a sociopath? It's not as far-fetched as you might imagine. Roughly one in 25 Americans is a sociopath, according to Harvard psychologist Dr. Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door.


Of course, not all sociopaths are dangerous criminals. But they certainly can make life difficult, given that the defining characteristic of sociopathy is antisocial behavior.







Here are 11 RED FLAGS to look out for:

RED FLAG #1. Having an oversized ego.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V) notes that sociopaths have an inflated sense of self. They are narcissists to the extreme, with a huge sense of entitlement, Dr. Seth Meyers, a clinical psychologist with the L.A. County Department of Mental Health, wrote for Psychology Today. They tend to blame others for their own failures.

RED FLAG #2. Lying and exhibiting manipulative behavior.

Sociopaths use deceit and manipulation on a regular basis. Why? "Lying for the sake of lying. Lying just to see whether you can trick people. And sometimes telling larger lies to get larger effects," Dr. Stout told Interview Magazine.

RED FLAG #3. Exhibiting a lack of empathy.

“They don’t really have the meaningful emotional inner worlds that most people have and perhaps because of that they can't really imagine or feel the emotional worlds of other people," M. E. Thomas, a diagnosed sociopath and author of Confessions Of A Sociopath, told NPR. "It’s very foreign to them.”

RED FLAG #4. Showing a lack of remorse or shame.

The DSM-V entry on antisocial personality disorder indicates that sociopaths lack remorse, guilt or shame.

RED FLAG #5. Staying eerily calm in scary or dangerous situations.

A sociopath might not be anxious following a car accident, for instance, M.E. Thomas said. And experiments have shown that while normal people show fear when they see disturbing images or are threatened with electric shocks, sociopaths tend not to.

RED FLAG #6. Behaving irresponsibly or with extreme impulsivity.

Sociopaths bounce from goal to goal, and act on the spur of the moment, according to the DSM. They can be irresponsible when it comes to their finances and their obligations to other people.

RED FLAG #7. Having few friends.

Sociopaths tend not to have friends--not real ones, anyway. "Sociopaths don’t want friends, unless they need them. Or all of their friends are superficially connected with them, friends by association," psychotherapist Ross Rosenberg, author of the Human Magnet Syndrome, told The Huffington Post.

RED FLAG #8. Being charming--but only superfically.

Sociopaths can be very charismatic and friendly -- because they know it will help them get what they want. “They are expert con artists and always have a secret agenda,” Rosenberg said. "People are so amazed when they find that someone is a sociopath because they’re so amazingly effective at blending in. They’re masters of disguise. Their main tool to keep them from being discovered is a creation of an outer personality."

As M.E. Thomas described in a post for Psychology Today: "You would like me if you met me. I have the kind of smile that is common among television show characters and rare in real life, perfect in its sparkly teeth dimensions and ability to express pleasant invitation."

RED FLAG #9. Living by the "pleasure principle."

"If it feels good and they are able to avoid consequences, they will do it! They live their life in the fast lane -- to the extreme -- seeking stimulation, excitement and pleasure from wherever they can get it," Rosenberg wrote in Human Magnet Syndrome.

RED FLAG #10. Showing disregard for societal norms.

They break rules and laws because they don't believe society's rules apply to them, psychiatrist Dr. Dale Archer wrote in a blog on Psychology Today.

RED FLAG #11. Having "intense" eyes.

Sociopaths have no problem with maintaining uninterrupted eye contact. "Our failure to look away politely is also perceived as being aggressive or seductive," M.E. Thomas wrote for Psychology Today.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/23/11-signs-dating-a-sociopath_n_3780417.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009

College Hookups: Sex At Parties More Acceptable Than Sex On First Dates, Study Reveals

A new U.S. study finds that university students say hooking up at a party is more acceptable than sex on a first date. 

Researchers from Middle Tennessee State University recruited 300 college students to respond to questions about sexual behaviors, Livescience reported on Tuesday.

The students were asked to explain their feelings regarding the following scenario: a couple meets a party and has sex that night, and then later they go on a date, which ends in a kiss.

Findings showed that the students viewed the party versus the date as "drastically different," with each having their own set of rules, LiveScience reported. The students said that hooking up at a party was considered acceptable, but not on a first date, even if the couple had previously had sex the night of the party.

"Our findings suggest that different behavior by the exact same people is really based on the context or the situation...not necessarily just the person, who they are, their values or their desires," said study researcher Gretchen Webber, according to the report. "It really shows the dominance of the setting for directing people's behavior."

Alcohol was also a key difference in the two scenarios, with the students assuming the sexual behaviors were influenced by alcohol at the party, while the date suggested an interest in a relationship, which requires conversation in more sober circumstances.
Webber presented her findings this week at the American Sociological Association's 108th Annual Meeting in New York.

In a separate study presented at the conference, University of Portland researchers say that college students today aren't having any more casual sex than students from 20 years ago. By comparing survey responses from students in college at some point during the years 1988-1996 with those of students who were in college at some point during 2002-2010, the researchers found few differences in sexual attitudes and behaviors.

College Hookups: Sex At Parties More Acceptable Than Sex On First Dates, Study Reveals

A new U.S. study finds that university students say hooking up at a party is more acceptable than sex on a first date. 

Researchers from Middle Tennessee State University recruited 300 college students to respond to questions about sexual behaviors, Livescience reported on Tuesday.

The students were asked to explain their feelings regarding the following scenario: a couple meets a party and has sex that night, and then later they go on a date, which ends in a kiss.

Findings showed that the students viewed the party versus the date as "drastically different," with each having their own set of rules, LiveScience reported. The students said that hooking up at a party was considered acceptable, but not on a first date, even if the couple had previously had sex the night of the party.

"Our findings suggest that different behavior by the exact same people is really based on the context or the situation...not necessarily just the person, who they are, their values or their desires," said study researcher Gretchen Webber, according to the report. "It really shows the dominance of the setting for directing people's behavior."

Alcohol was also a key difference in the two scenarios, with the students assuming the sexual behaviors were influenced by alcohol at the party, while the date suggested an interest in a relationship, which requires conversation in more sober circumstances.
Webber presented her findings this week at the American Sociological Association's 108th Annual Meeting in New York.

In a separate study presented at the conference, University of Portland researchers say that college students today aren't having any more casual sex than students from 20 years ago. By comparing survey responses from students in college at some point during the years 1988-1996 with those of students who were in college at some point during 2002-2010, the researchers found few differences in sexual attitudes and behaviors.